I am Mother - hear me roar

Some things have been going on in my life that I do not understand nor can I explain. I have so many questions: What is a mother? Who is a mother? What is a mother supposed to do for her children? How much is too much? Can a mother love her son or daughter too much? Does co-dependence actually exist for mothers and sons or mothers and daughters? Does always being there for your children make a mother an enabler? What the hell does it mean when a mother is told she did not raise her children to be independent?

These questions, of course, are rhetorical. I know the answers. I also know that as a mother, I have tried my best. Have I screwed up? Of course I have. Have I made mistakes? Of course I have. Would I go back and change anything? Not one thing. Am I proud of my children? More than they will ever know. Did I do a good job? Considering that neither child is in jail, on drugs, a drop out of school, pregnant/gotten someone pregnant, I would say that I did a fairly good job (of course their father did help too!). Do I think I was a good mother? I do, actually - and screw those that think differently.

I am going to miss my kids when they are gone and, if I have done my job correctly, they will miss me too. I, personally, do not think that is a bad thing. I am, after all, their mother.

Putting life on hold

As we grow older, things change...priorities change...thoughts change. Trent and I celebrated our 21st anniversary yesterday, sort of. For the first time in our 21 years, we both kind of put this event on the back burner with promises of celebration in the next few weeks. We both have a lot on our minds and getting our son on his mission is priority one.

Trent and I were married 21 years ago ; 21 years ago my thoughts were - I can to do this. We moved away from our families while Trent was going to school. My thoughts at that time were how I wished we could have a full refrigerator and full gas tank at the same time. Lo and behold, 6 months after we were married we received our first surprise with the news that we were expecting our first child. My thoughts at that time were how I needed to eat right and take care of my body for my baby. I knew it was a son, Trent teased it was a daughter. Though the labor and delivery were very hard and almost caused death, Garrick and I both survived. I knew at that time that we were one of the same, we were both strong individuals with a huge desire to win. My thoughts changed from me to my son. My thoughts were not merely what my future holds but what the future of my son holds. My thoughts were how can I keep my baby safe. Years passed and we went from one baby to two. I knew I was having a son, Trent assured it was a daughter. After bringing that beautiful baby girl home, my thoughts changed again. I now had two babies that I needed to raise and that I needed to care for and comfort. Could I do it? My thoughts are not as simple as they were years before. Now, I need to worry about the mortgage and the car payments. Then comes that first day of school. I take my baby boy up those steps and down that long hallway to the first grade. He is beyond ecstatic, he is so excited he can hardly breath. I cried when I got home and my thoughts were now how in the world was I going to care for my son when is out of my home for 6 hours a day now? When my son was almost 10, we had a terrific tragedy happen to my family. My thoughts were how was I going to take away the ache and the pain that a 10-year-old should never have. How was I going to make him understands God’s will when I was not too sure I understood? When he was almost 12, we moved to California. My thoughts changed yet again. We did a pretty good job in New Mexico, however, California was going to be different and perhaps harder. Could I still keep my children safe? Garrick turned 12 and started scouts and my thoughts are looking way ahead to that Eagle Award. He begins high school and thoughts change yet again. High school? How as I going to keep him safe there? Then comes high school graduation. While my baby boy is walking down that aisle to the tune of Pomp and Circumstance, all I see is the nurse bringing my baby boy to me for the first time. My thoughts are how in the world did we do it? How did we raise such a perfect son? The next step was college...I did not think I would survive. My thoughts were if I had done my job good enough, he would be okay. He called and texted a lot. I helped him with cooking and laundry. He comes home for the holidays and my thoughts are this is the last Christmas for 2 years that I will have my whole family here. Can I do it? He goes back to school, the second time, a little easier than the first, but hard nonetheless. I still received calls and texts. Then I started getting different texts in where I was being updated on the mission papers. On March 17, I received the phone call that changed my thoughts yet again, Garrick called to tell me that his papers had been turned in. My thoughts immediately went to me, to myself, to my selfishness. If Heavenly Father was going to take my baby, please don’t take him to some place that I cannot handle. Please, let him be close. On April 3, Garrick calls and says, “I am going to Montana!” I say, “When?” He says, “June 3.” I say, “Why?” Thinking this was a road trip and not the mission call. He says, “...mission?!?” My thoughts immediately went to my Heavenly Father and with my heart filled with much love and gratitude, I thanked Him. Garrick came home on April 10 and my thoughts changed yet again. My thoughts now were this is the last time my son would live in my house. He may stay with us on occasion for days or even for an extended period, but he will never really live there again. My thoughts were wondering if I had done a good enough job. As we prepare for my son to leave on this journey, I hope he knows that my thoughts will be with him every single day. Is he eating? Is he sleeping? Is he teaching the gospel? Does he need new shoes? Socks? Shirts? Does he know how much I love him?

As we grow older, things change...priorities change...thoughts change; but the love we have, it never changes. It only grows. As we put our anniversary celebration on hold for a few weeks, Garrick puts his life on hold for a few years. I said my thoughts after I got married were I can do this...those are the same thoughts I have today. The circle of life.

Insomnia

Not being able to sleep sometimes has its benefits. Last night, I was having one of these restless nights (actually for the past 3 or 4 nights, but who's counting). I had left my book downstairs and was too afraid to come down in the dark, so I grabbed one of Trent's books. Last year for our anniversary, I had purchased some books for Trent about Abraham Lincoln and he had one of these on the headboard. I don't know the exact name of the book but it is basically just a book of quotes from the great president. What a brilliant man with a brilliant mind. Anyway, I thought reading this book which has no particular plot would help me sleep - so not what happened. The more I read, the more I wanted to read.

Anyway, I came across this particular line -- "The best thing about the future is that is comes only one day at a time." That was what I needed to hear (or read as the case may be), exactly what I needed in my life right now. As I look into my future and wonder what it holds for me and my children...I try to think too far ahead. For Garrick, I am looking at him coming home in the next 2 years instead of the wonderful two years he has to serve his mission. I am jumping to the end of his adventure instead of living each day of his adventure with him. With Natalie, I am looking at her graduating in the next two years and then moving out and moving on. I am jumping to a huge milestone for her and not letting her live out the next two years, her junior and senior years of high school. Which, for most people, are great years and should be lived day by day. As for myself, I see this 43-year-old woman who is an empty nester, all alone, feeling like the best years are behind her. When in reality, I am an almost 41-year-old woman who still has one fantastic kid at home and one fantastic kid who is doing exactly what has been asked of him and is living the best life possible. I also have this husband who puts up with me every single day. I don't know how he does it, I don't think I could have done it for 21 years...

Anyway, I think I am going to think as President Lincoln did and take my future one day at a time. I don't need to look so far down the road that I cannot see the end, I need to just see what is right in front of me. I can take things one day at at time, one step at a time.

Finally using my Valentine's Gift

Okay, so for Valentine's Day, Trent asked what I wanted. Of course, I wanted See's candy and roses but I also wanted something else. I wanted a bird bath! For about the last 3 years, we have had this family of blue jays come and nest and raise their babies in my backyard. I love these birds! The daddy blue jay will come and sit outside of my window on our outside table and ask for food! I know, Trent does not believe this either, but it is true. So, I got a new camera for Mother's Day so I took a picture using it of my Valentine's Day gift.

This is where the Daddy asks me to feed him

This is the Daddy getting a little drink - using my

Valentine's Gift

Pretty cool. I have yet to see the babies, so I don't know if there are any this year or not. Last year, there were twins!!

The Countdown Starts

Today, May 3, 2009, is the start of the countdown for what I presume will be the hardest day of my life so far. In 31 days from today, my son will be leaving for his two-year church mission. I know it is the right thing for him to do and I know that he will not have one regret in taking this adventure, however, as I reflect on this, I can only think of my heartbreak. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for him to be making this step and to be doing the things which Heavenly Father would have him do, but I so love my son and the thought of not being able to hear his voice or feel his presence is almost more than I can stand. He is my first born and my first son and the first one to go out on his own. I am so very grateful for the last year that he has been away at school, that break, although hard in and of itself, has turned into a great blessing. He is slowly inching away. I think the thing that I am having very hardest time with right now is know that my son will never live in my house again. He will come for visits, perhaps even extended visits here, but he will never call my home his home again.

I am not as strong as people think and this is hard. Knowing that I am sending my son into that cold, hard world without me...I can hardly think about it. I am so grateful that he is staying within the United States, that was certainly one prayer answered. Now, if I can just make time fly! The funny thing is, time has been going by exceedingly fast lately. I will be on the computer and look at the clock and realize I have been sitting here for 2 hours; I wonder where the time has gone and I wonder how to slow it down. Where have the years gone? I graduated high school 23 years ago this month...was married 21 years ago this month...had my first baby almost 20 years ago and by second almost 17 years ago - the last 23 years have by so quickly and my greatest fear is that the next 2 years will not!

I think my parents are a little worried about me; they have been calling a lot! I think my husband has his concerns; he has been a little more understanding with the mood swings. I think Natalie is thrilled beyond belief to finally be home alone! I think my closest friends know when to come around and know when to give me a little space. I think the rest of my family loves me and will be there if I need them to be.

As Trent and I start this next phase of our journey, I wonder where it will take us?