Putting life on hold

As we grow older, things change...priorities change...thoughts change. Trent and I celebrated our 21st anniversary yesterday, sort of. For the first time in our 21 years, we both kind of put this event on the back burner with promises of celebration in the next few weeks. We both have a lot on our minds and getting our son on his mission is priority one.

Trent and I were married 21 years ago ; 21 years ago my thoughts were - I can to do this. We moved away from our families while Trent was going to school. My thoughts at that time were how I wished we could have a full refrigerator and full gas tank at the same time. Lo and behold, 6 months after we were married we received our first surprise with the news that we were expecting our first child. My thoughts at that time were how I needed to eat right and take care of my body for my baby. I knew it was a son, Trent teased it was a daughter. Though the labor and delivery were very hard and almost caused death, Garrick and I both survived. I knew at that time that we were one of the same, we were both strong individuals with a huge desire to win. My thoughts changed from me to my son. My thoughts were not merely what my future holds but what the future of my son holds. My thoughts were how can I keep my baby safe. Years passed and we went from one baby to two. I knew I was having a son, Trent assured it was a daughter. After bringing that beautiful baby girl home, my thoughts changed again. I now had two babies that I needed to raise and that I needed to care for and comfort. Could I do it? My thoughts are not as simple as they were years before. Now, I need to worry about the mortgage and the car payments. Then comes that first day of school. I take my baby boy up those steps and down that long hallway to the first grade. He is beyond ecstatic, he is so excited he can hardly breath. I cried when I got home and my thoughts were now how in the world was I going to care for my son when is out of my home for 6 hours a day now? When my son was almost 10, we had a terrific tragedy happen to my family. My thoughts were how was I going to take away the ache and the pain that a 10-year-old should never have. How was I going to make him understands God’s will when I was not too sure I understood? When he was almost 12, we moved to California. My thoughts changed yet again. We did a pretty good job in New Mexico, however, California was going to be different and perhaps harder. Could I still keep my children safe? Garrick turned 12 and started scouts and my thoughts are looking way ahead to that Eagle Award. He begins high school and thoughts change yet again. High school? How as I going to keep him safe there? Then comes high school graduation. While my baby boy is walking down that aisle to the tune of Pomp and Circumstance, all I see is the nurse bringing my baby boy to me for the first time. My thoughts are how in the world did we do it? How did we raise such a perfect son? The next step was college...I did not think I would survive. My thoughts were if I had done my job good enough, he would be okay. He called and texted a lot. I helped him with cooking and laundry. He comes home for the holidays and my thoughts are this is the last Christmas for 2 years that I will have my whole family here. Can I do it? He goes back to school, the second time, a little easier than the first, but hard nonetheless. I still received calls and texts. Then I started getting different texts in where I was being updated on the mission papers. On March 17, I received the phone call that changed my thoughts yet again, Garrick called to tell me that his papers had been turned in. My thoughts immediately went to me, to myself, to my selfishness. If Heavenly Father was going to take my baby, please don’t take him to some place that I cannot handle. Please, let him be close. On April 3, Garrick calls and says, “I am going to Montana!” I say, “When?” He says, “June 3.” I say, “Why?” Thinking this was a road trip and not the mission call. He says, “...mission?!?” My thoughts immediately went to my Heavenly Father and with my heart filled with much love and gratitude, I thanked Him. Garrick came home on April 10 and my thoughts changed yet again. My thoughts now were this is the last time my son would live in my house. He may stay with us on occasion for days or even for an extended period, but he will never really live there again. My thoughts were wondering if I had done a good enough job. As we prepare for my son to leave on this journey, I hope he knows that my thoughts will be with him every single day. Is he eating? Is he sleeping? Is he teaching the gospel? Does he need new shoes? Socks? Shirts? Does he know how much I love him?

As we grow older, things change...priorities change...thoughts change; but the love we have, it never changes. It only grows. As we put our anniversary celebration on hold for a few weeks, Garrick puts his life on hold for a few years. I said my thoughts after I got married were I can do this...those are the same thoughts I have today. The circle of life.