To My Daughter ....

Dearest Natalie:

There are a couple of things I want you to know: First, I am so very proud of you. You are such a remarkable young woman. You are beautiful and talented and smart and honest and extremely kind and funny and athletic and so very fun to be around. You brighten my day by just walking into the room. You never give up, even in a fight, even when you are wrong (you can thank your Nana for that!). You make people feel better about themselves when they are around you.

I know this is impossible for you to believe, but the last 12 years have flown by. Heck, my baby girl, the last 18 have gone by in an instant flash. I remember the day you were born: We had scheduled a Cesarean section so they could take you 2 weeks early so you would not be as big as Garrick. I got to pick the day and pretty much the time. From about mid October, people would ask when I was due and my reply would be, "Oh...December 4 at 12:00noon!" It got me a lot of looks but it kinda set the road for us and our relationship. It was the start of what has ended up being a very close friendship between two great girlfriends. It was kind of our first inside joke. You were born December 4th @ 12:34pm...a little late, because you were starting your personality and you were not going to start your life coming on time; people would so start expecting you to be on time! The day you were born, it snowed, a lot; almost a foot. The hospital was quiet. My mom had taken Garrick home and dad had left for bed. It was just you and me in our room. I was laid up and could not get out of bed that first night because of the surgery, but they brought you to me. I remember one of the nurses coming in and asking if I just wanted them to take care of you that night so I could sleep; I remember thinking...ummmmmm NO! So, they brought you into my room and because I could hardly move, they placed you in my arms. I fed you and we slept. All night. You slept in my arms all night your very first night on this earth. We bonded. We had a chat about you and your future and the things I expected. We talked about how boys had cooties, except for daddy and Garrick, of course. We talked about how I was going to dress you in pretty pink dresses and how you were going to like it! We talked about me learning to braid your hair and how you would always be beautiful. I predicted that snowy day that you and I would be best of friends...I think I may have even insistent on it!

We may sometimes fight and you may roll your eyes at me a time too many or I may roll my eyes at you for being too young to understand. We may leave the room once in a while just to get away from the other. We may even say some things that we don't mean and totally regret. But, we are best friends, Natalie. I love you like I love no other girl in the whole wide world. I laugh with you and talk with you about things I just don't with anyone else. I have a friend who told me once that she told her daughter she wanted to get closer to her and her daughter said, "Like Velvet and Natalie are?" (Best compliment ever, BTW.) I don't think we can fake our relationship...I think anyone that knows us, knows who we really are and knows that we definitely like being around the other.

So, my darling baby girl, as you graduate high school today, know that I have never been prouder of you. Know that every day of your life, I have loved you more every day than the day before. I love you more now than that day they brought you and placed you in my arms; this is because I know you now. I know the wonderful woman you are. I know what a tremendous person you are. I know that girl who still takes my breath away every time she walks into a room. As you go on with your life and do all the things that I want you to do, always remember you have my heart, my baby. Always remember that no matter where you are or where I am or how many miles between us, I love you more today than yesterday. Always remember that I am missing you and my heart is never complete and is never full until you are home and under my roof. You will forever be my baby, my Nattie Jo, my sweet, sweet Natalie. And...you will forever be my closest friend.

Loving you,

Mama
XOXO

Procrastination Always....Velvet

I decided my blog is nothing more than a procrastinator of work!

I sit and work and while doing so, I think of all the other things I would rather be doing....knitting, talking on the phone, reading, sunning, spending time with those I love (even with those few I don't!!), walking Maggie, going to a movie, going shoe shopping, shopping iTunes, organizing my closet (I need Ruth to come and help me with that, she is like expert!), folding laundry (okay, yes, that one is rather a stretch, but it is still better than work!). Almost anything. Yet, I continue to sit here. I always have work on my screen, of course a lot of the time it is in the background, taunting me. So, I will type a few lines, a few reports, a few minutes and then...my mind drifts. So, to make me feel better about not doing work, but remaining at my computer, I do a little Facebook and a little blogging! When my family comes in, they feel so bad for me because I am still here, at my computer, working. Well, mostly working. Trust me...if you are at my house and you walk by my computer, I am working -- remember I always have work on the screen!

I am a bit obsessed about my blog. I am always thinking of things to put in it. For instance, I have had some very strange conversations, both with strangers and my family and friends, that I would so love to document here! Some of those lines are priceless. For instance -- a woman at Friday night's Giant's game and I were standing in line chatting. She looked down at her tickets and noted that the next day was May 21 (my birthday, by the way) and she looked up and said, "Tomorrow is the end of the world." I said, "So I have been told." She said, "We all might just die tomorrow!" To which I replied, "Yes, but we will all have our nice, warm Giant Snuggies (the free giveaway that night) to be buried in!" We laughed! See!!! Tell me that was not blog worthy!?!?

There are some times that Natalie and I just doing something normal and something will happen or someone will say something or we will see something and just bust out laughing! We laugh until we cry. After we calm down a bit, I always think to my self, "Self? Would that make a good blog story?" Or I will see something on the highway or in the mall that I just know I want to write about.

The thing with all that is...my memory! Who knew that at 43 my memory would start to fail?!?!? LOL! I sit here and try to remember that funny thing that happened that I wanted to write about, but I fail! Sometimes I even make a little note on my calendar so I can remember...yeah...my last note says, "American." I have no clue what that even refers to! American? As in ... what?? Pie? Hot dogs? The flag? I don't know. But I did write it down on my calendar with the thought that I would blog about it. I guess my "Notes to Self" need to be a bit more detailed from now on. I know!! I bet you all are wondering what the heck American was all about...I am right there with ya! American? No idea!

So, as I sit here, with my work in the background, taunting me, I am thinking what else can I blog about to avoid my job! I can say this...I have had 5 doctor appointments in the last 3 weeks! I know and I am not even really sick! I can say that my mother and nephew are due in Cali on Thursday! I can say my son returns home on Thursday! My daughter graduates on Thursday! I celebrate my 23rd year of marriage on Friday! I have Monday off!!

That is the really bad thing about my blog ...I like to talk and I like to write and I don't know when enough is enough! And, obviously, I can't remember most of the things I would like to say. There have been about a dozen blogs that I wrote and did not publish; they sit my cue. They were just a release. I have been told several times that writing is a great release; not a truer statement has ever been said. So...I will continue to write.

But for now, I work.

XOXO

A Pinch to Grow On...

I have been a little neglecting of my poor ol' blog. I thought with all the excitement in my house next week with company coming (YAY) and my daughter graduating (BOO) that I better get this updated in the next few days or I may not have a chance for a while.

Saturday, May 21, I will be celebrating my 43rd birthday. When I turned 40 I was okay, 41 stung a little because that made me "in" in my forty's, 42 was okay...43 seems to be kicking my butt a little. Maybe it has little to do with the birthday, actually, and just the things going on around me right now. I decided no candles on the cake this year, no wishes. Maybe the time has come to outgrow the birthday wishes...I don't know. Maybe I will bring it back next year. I don't know. Maybe because my dad is gone. Maybe there is a little guilt involved in having a birthday knowing he had his last one. Maybe it is the fact that he wont be calling me singing to me. Maybe it is because he wont be trying to put me over his knee to give me a swat for every year and a pinch to grow on. Maybe it is because a week later my baby girl will be graduating high school and then going off to college. Who knows...maybe it is just a little bit of everything.

I just had a memory of my dad I would like to share. I mentioned a "pinch to grow on." My daddy lost his right thumb when I was a year old. He lost it in a drilling accident; from my childhood, I recall that he lost it in an "elevator" but not THAT kind of an elevator! I learned that years and years after sweating and having panic attacks in those kinds of elevators! I still guard my thumbs in any elevators; you can never be too careful! Anyway, back to my memory. My daddy would come up and "try" to pinch my arm or my butt or whatever and claim that he could not pinch because he had no thumb. Then, I, like a complete idiot, would get comfortable with his pinching action around my skin until....BAM...I would get the holy crap pinched out of me. He would smile, giggle just a bit, and say that apparently he COULD pinch without a thumb. That is the kind my guy my daddy was, always joking around and always going for the cheap shot. However, according to him, I would never be too big not to get my birthday spanking with the pinch to grow on. I miss you, Daddy...more than anyone could ever know.

I am in the midst of yet another knitting project without completely finishing the last one. I just can't get through the scarf for Natalie. I am bored with it, I guess. I have done yet another throw for my friend's birthday and started my own (it was time). I have this yarn to do a wrap of some sort; there was a particular pattern is wanted to do for a wrap for me, but I have come across a few more. I am thinking that all the women in life can probably expect one for Christmas! LOL! I also want to do a tote and I am dying to try my hand at socks. Now...if I can only find some time.

If you would just indulge me in a bit of self pity here... As I start this new chapter of an empty nester...I get really sad and teary eyed and all I want to do is sleep. I have a dear cousin who has been trying to get me to prepare for this time, but I am not sure there is a way to prepare for having your last child, that baby of yours, leave the house. I thought I was ready. I did! I thought all was well. I thought I could certainly get past this...I thought wrong. I look in the mirror and I see this old woman staring back and wonder where my youth yet. Then, I look at my babies and realize exactly where it went. My son graduates college...yes COLLEGE, next year. My baby girl starts college this year. I wonder if I have done all I needed to do to prepare my daughter for that mean ol' world at there; then I look at my son and realize I probably didn't do too badly. As much as I would love both of my kids under my roof for the rest of my life, I realize that this is what I have been doing for the last 20+ years; I have been preparing my children to be adults. I have been preparing them to be self-reliant, happy, successful, loving, caring adults. I have been preparing them to go off and do the things that they need to do. I have been preparing them for their lives. The beginning of their life should in no way indicate the end of mine -- once I get this pounded in my head enough, I am sure I will be fine and be able to move forward. I think of the alternative where they don't go, they don't leave; as happy as that would make me, for a while anyway, I think of probably how sad in the long run it would make me. I think if my kids were not strong enough to leave my house, how that would indicate my failure as a parent. So...to all those naysayers who doubt my parenting abilities...I say, Bite Me. I may not have done it all perfect and I may have made a few more mistakes than I should have and I may wake occasionally with some regret of never doing this or that or whatever...but I wont hang my head in any shame, ever, about the way my children were raised. I hold my head up firmly with a little smile upon my lips knowing that my children are everything I ever wanted them to be. And both are well on their way in exceeding every possibility known to them.

Okay...that will be the last time I write about that. No more. I am looking forward and not behind now. Empty nest is no longer a bad word in my house. It is, merely, the beginning. The beginning of the rest of my life. Will you join me? Will you be part of my life? Can I always count on you to be there for me? With me? Thanks for always being there, even at those times I don't even know I want you there.

XOXO

Reflections of Motherhood....

As I sit here, supposedly working, my mind drifts. It drifts back years. I go back over two decades ago, before I was a mother. I wonder what it was that really filled my days back then; who filled my thoughts.

Ever since I was very young there were two things that I always wanted: to be happily married and to have children. I have succeed in both counts. In fact, I was given three very important people in my life; sometimes I think I was given far too much, far more than I ever deserved.

As I get ready to celebrate another mother's day, my heart fills with great sadness. I celebrated my first mother's day as a pregnant, expectant mother in 1989; therefore my first "real" mother's day was in 1990. I remember that day oh so well...my loving husband and my baby boy took me to a nice restaurant when I learned a very important lesson about taking a baby to a nice place! I had to leave early and go sit with my crying baby in the car as my sweet, sweet husband got our orders to go. What felt like the most disastrous day at the time turned out to be a very wonderful memory. In 1993, I had two babies giving me mother's day hugs and kisses. Each and every year after that, those hugs and those kisses became so much special and had so much more meaning. In 2009, my son was away at college for that mother's day, so, I was down, again, to just one baby giving me hugs and kisses. This will be the last year that I will have any of my children living at home on that day. So, goes the circle of life; no children, one child, two children, one child, no children.

I am positive, as I sit here, tears in my eyes, that my heart is going to break into a million pieces. When my son was born, and I loved him before I even saw him, I thought I would never love any other person as I loved him. There is something about a mother's love for her son. When my daughter was born, and I loved her before I even saw her, I thought that I would never love any other person as I loved her. There is something about a mother's love for her daughter. It is a funny thing, a mother's love. I used to think that ones heart would have to split in as many pieces as there were children, in my case two; but, that is not how it works. Your heart does not split, but in fact doubles in size. My heart, the size of a regular heart, grew into the size of two regular hearts when I had my second baby. The love doubled, it was not meant to split. What an amazing thing.

My heart was even big enough for one more or even two more, but someone bigger than I, knew better for me. Someone knew that two was the perfect amount for me. Even though I questioned this and fought it for years and years and cried over it and tortured myself over that fact, there was little I could do. I resigned, albeit reluctantly and kicking and screaming, that this was my plan. Predesigned. Nothing anyone can do about that.

The one thing that I wanted was to be a good mother. In the past few years, this has been questioned and put up for debate by some. No one can judge me as a mother but my own children. I don't know for sure, but I think I know that they would tell you that I did okay. I don't know for sure, but I think I know that they would tell you I did the very best I could. I think they might say I made a few mistakes along the way, but I made corrections when I needed to. I think they might say I was tough when I needed to be and tender when I needed to be. I think they might tell you that I kissed every boo-boo and really made them feel better. I think they might remember the stories I would read to them when they were younger after our nighttime routine was in full swing. I would like to think they would tell you that I stood behind them, that I was there to push when I needed to and I was there to catch then they fell. They would probably say that there were a few times when I told them I was too busy...some of my biggest regrets in life...telling my kids I could not do something because I was doing something else. If only I could have those days back... I think they would tell you that I told them I loved them every single night and I think they might even say that they knew it without me saying it. Isn't that the most important thing? They know, without doubt, that I love them; no matter what they do, where they go...I love them.

As sad as I am to see them go on with their lives (and I am very, very sad), I know that as a mother (of course with help from their father, a little bit :0)), I have done okay. They are healthy, happy, and on the road to being successful adults. They are the most perfect two things I have ever been involved with in my whole life. They are, my two biggest joys and bring me my greatest happiness. They know they are loved and they know that they always have someone in their corner. No matter what. Right or wrong. I will forever be on their side.

So...my goals as a young girl have been accomplished. Book Three in my Book of Life? ...childhood, early adulthood, and now, empty nester. What now? I will let you know....

XOXO

Pix...

Just have a minute....still no real camera, these are from the phone. Hope they do my work justice!!

The throw for the wedding I did:






Trent's Giants scarf:




I will finish Natalie's this week some time. I will post a picture of hers because it is an illusion scarf.....wooooooo ahhhhhhhh.

Gots lots on my mind this week...I will get back here and post some thoughts. It is the month of May, you know...AKA the Month of Velvet or MOV. Just wanted to get these pictures up before my wonderful, fantastic Droid destroys them!

XOXO