Reflections of Motherhood....

As I sit here, supposedly working, my mind drifts. It drifts back years. I go back over two decades ago, before I was a mother. I wonder what it was that really filled my days back then; who filled my thoughts.

Ever since I was very young there were two things that I always wanted: to be happily married and to have children. I have succeed in both counts. In fact, I was given three very important people in my life; sometimes I think I was given far too much, far more than I ever deserved.

As I get ready to celebrate another mother's day, my heart fills with great sadness. I celebrated my first mother's day as a pregnant, expectant mother in 1989; therefore my first "real" mother's day was in 1990. I remember that day oh so well...my loving husband and my baby boy took me to a nice restaurant when I learned a very important lesson about taking a baby to a nice place! I had to leave early and go sit with my crying baby in the car as my sweet, sweet husband got our orders to go. What felt like the most disastrous day at the time turned out to be a very wonderful memory. In 1993, I had two babies giving me mother's day hugs and kisses. Each and every year after that, those hugs and those kisses became so much special and had so much more meaning. In 2009, my son was away at college for that mother's day, so, I was down, again, to just one baby giving me hugs and kisses. This will be the last year that I will have any of my children living at home on that day. So, goes the circle of life; no children, one child, two children, one child, no children.

I am positive, as I sit here, tears in my eyes, that my heart is going to break into a million pieces. When my son was born, and I loved him before I even saw him, I thought I would never love any other person as I loved him. There is something about a mother's love for her son. When my daughter was born, and I loved her before I even saw her, I thought that I would never love any other person as I loved her. There is something about a mother's love for her daughter. It is a funny thing, a mother's love. I used to think that ones heart would have to split in as many pieces as there were children, in my case two; but, that is not how it works. Your heart does not split, but in fact doubles in size. My heart, the size of a regular heart, grew into the size of two regular hearts when I had my second baby. The love doubled, it was not meant to split. What an amazing thing.

My heart was even big enough for one more or even two more, but someone bigger than I, knew better for me. Someone knew that two was the perfect amount for me. Even though I questioned this and fought it for years and years and cried over it and tortured myself over that fact, there was little I could do. I resigned, albeit reluctantly and kicking and screaming, that this was my plan. Predesigned. Nothing anyone can do about that.

The one thing that I wanted was to be a good mother. In the past few years, this has been questioned and put up for debate by some. No one can judge me as a mother but my own children. I don't know for sure, but I think I know that they would tell you that I did okay. I don't know for sure, but I think I know that they would tell you I did the very best I could. I think they might say I made a few mistakes along the way, but I made corrections when I needed to. I think they might say I was tough when I needed to be and tender when I needed to be. I think they might tell you that I kissed every boo-boo and really made them feel better. I think they might remember the stories I would read to them when they were younger after our nighttime routine was in full swing. I would like to think they would tell you that I stood behind them, that I was there to push when I needed to and I was there to catch then they fell. They would probably say that there were a few times when I told them I was too busy...some of my biggest regrets in life...telling my kids I could not do something because I was doing something else. If only I could have those days back... I think they would tell you that I told them I loved them every single night and I think they might even say that they knew it without me saying it. Isn't that the most important thing? They know, without doubt, that I love them; no matter what they do, where they go...I love them.

As sad as I am to see them go on with their lives (and I am very, very sad), I know that as a mother (of course with help from their father, a little bit :0)), I have done okay. They are healthy, happy, and on the road to being successful adults. They are the most perfect two things I have ever been involved with in my whole life. They are, my two biggest joys and bring me my greatest happiness. They know they are loved and they know that they always have someone in their corner. No matter what. Right or wrong. I will forever be on their side.

So...my goals as a young girl have been accomplished. Book Three in my Book of Life? ...childhood, early adulthood, and now, empty nester. What now? I will let you know....

XOXO