Tomorrow is the BIG day

Well, this time has arrived, like it or not. We take our son to college tomorrow. My heart is very heavy right now. The tears flow occasionally throughout the day. I am not sure I am strong enough to do this. I tell myself that I have to be strong, at least in front of Garrick... I don't want him to see me cry, I don't want him to feel guilty about moving on with his life. Truly, I am so happy for him, I am happy that he has this wonderful opportunity to go to college on scholarship, that he is going with a great friend, that he is going to a school that he really wanted to go to, that he is growing up, that he has his whole life to look forward to. However, packing him up yesterday was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I thought sending him to kindergarten was hard, or even the first grade was hard. I thought moving him to another state was hard. I thought seeing him enter high school was hard and taking that first drive with his new license without me was hard. Watching him graduate high school was so very hard. But this, compares to nothing. I don't think I can do this. Frankly, I am having such a hard time with this that I am not sure how I am going to do the mission thing. The only thing that I think is going to be worse than this day, and mission day, is when Natalie leaves for school too.

Society has failed me

What happened to the good 'ol days? I don't mean the days of yesteryear, I frankly just mean like 5 years ago. Why has society decided that they have the right to take whatever they see within reach and take it? Why has society decided that is okay to take other people's property? When did society decide that being in possession of other's property is acceptable?

Okay, maybe not in all places but definitely here where I live. Last night Natalie had volleyball practice and I have a summer cold (oh my heck, who in their right mind gets a cold in the middle of a heat wave? Really?!? It is 102 degrees outside and I am in the house with a sore throat and a runny nose) and I went to pick her up and I was just exhausted, so I decided that I was going to cook Subway for dinner. We went, with Garrick too, and ordered our sandwiches, grabbed our chips and our drinks, and we were out of there. We get to the car, like 15 feet from the front door, and Natalie says, "Oh my phone, I left it in there." I told her to run back in and get it. She did, and low and behold it was gone. WHAT?!?!? I called her phone from my phone so she could find it, but it was gone. There was like 4 people in there and of course none of them saw anything. I went in and kinda threw a fit (Trent said if he would have been there, the cops would have been called...he really knows how to throw a fit!!) and asked those people in there. Again, no was saw a phone. I cannot even begin to describe how frustrated I am. I have chased people down to their cars when I see they have left something on the counter, I mean literally. Once at Kohl's a lady left her drivers license beside the credit card slide thing, I picked it up and ran out to the parking lot and found her and gave it to her. She was less than thankful, but that was beside the point, I know I had saved her from a hassle of getting a new license.

Maybe I could see past it (not really, but I am trying) if it were some homeless person who took it to sell for his next meal. But there was not one person in there that needed that phone more than us. That was Natalie's phone...her brand new phone. You know, the one that set me back $100 and a two-year contract! I am just stunned that whoever took it thought that it was okay. When did it become okay to take something that is not yours? Really? You see something on the counter or floor or parking lot that is not yours and you really think it is okay to just pick it up and put it in your pocket? Who raised these people? I know, you really can't blame the parents, but here is a story for you...A couple of years ago my friend down the street had one of her kids bikes stolen right from their front porch. It was definitely a kids bike, not an adults. So, this kid who stole the bike goes home and what, tells his parents someone gave him a bike? Maybe he found it. I don't know, but my common sense is going to tell me to ask a bunch of questions. If indeed my kid "found" or was "given" a new bike, I am going to investigate a bit. I cannot even fathom the idea of my children coming home with something new that was "given" to them without finding out more details.

Anyway, I am ranting. But I am mad. Now I have to replace Natalie's phone, and because there is no new two-year contract, I have to pay full price for a phone or cancel the contract and pay the penalty. My daughter, and son for that matter, has a phone so I can get a hold of her when I need to. The phone is not really for them, although that is a cool benefit for them, the phone is for me. I want to know where they are, what they are doing, and when they will be back. Ooopsss, there is the rant again... okay, I am done.

What is going on now?

Well, as I sit here at the computer, I am suppose to be working, but alas, I am not. Why is that? Why do I sit here at my desk day in and day out and fight work? If I were to just sit here and work I could probably be done in 4 hours or so...but nooooOOOoooo, I sit here and go to the internet, go check my E-mail, find coupons, check everyone's blog, google, I do absolutely everything not to work. The fact is, however, that at the end of the day, I have have sat at this desk, looking at this screen for 8 to 10 hours a day and I am so sick of sitting here I could scream. Again, if I were to just do my work, I could go do fun stuff for the rest of the day. I know this to be true because there are times that I need to get my work done in a hurry because of a doctor's appointment, school function for my kids, or something else and I do, but for the most part, I sit here and put off work and then wonder where the day went!

A couple of things with the kiddos -- Natalie started school on Monday! Yeah!! She is a sophomore this year (I can still remember her first day of kindergarten, where has the time gone?!?). She has started conditioning for volleyball and is looking forward to that fun! Today was the first day of seminary (early morning - 6:00am) and she was up and ready to go without a fight - what a girl! She had a bad morning yesterday and was kinda mean and rude to me but the first thing she did after she walked in the door was give me a big hug and say she was sorry - ahhhhhh, I know, how lucky am I? What a wonderful young woman! Garrick is getting ready for college (again - time - where did it go?). I think he is getting a little nervous, maybe a little apprehensive, but he is keeping his cool, especially with the mom and dad! What a wonderful adventure for him. I am so excited and so scared and so nervous and so happy and so sad all at the same time. He was made an Elder in the church a few weeks ago and yesterday he and his dad went to a sister's house and he stood in for his first blessing. What a wonderful young man.

I often ask myself what in the heck I did to have such wonderful kids - the fact is, I have no idea, but I am so glad that I do. Don't get me wrong, they certainly have their moments and they are in no way perfect, but - in all honesty, they are to me. I wish I had a few more - but that is another story all in its own.

Speaking of being lucky - I thought I would take this opportunity to say how wonderful my husband is too. He recently broke a couple of ribs at work, but he did not let that stop him. He continues to provide for his family and continues to be the perfect head of the house.

Now, I just need to work on myself!! I need to be a better person, less judgmental, less mean, more fun, more positive. Maybe, I will start today! LOL - maybe, I will start tomorrow!! It is already almost 10:00am and I have yet to type ONE word for work...not one word, I barely even opened up my programs. The funny thing is (or perhaps the very, very sad thing is) that I have sat here at the computer since around 7:00am this morning - 3 hours and no work to show for it. This is pathetic!

Okay - now I am going to close this up and type for $$.

Just a day off

I am a little sad and a little lonely, so this post will reflect those feelings!

Okay, so it was the 4th of July. Who cares. Really. It was just a day off for me. Albeit, a well-deserved day off. Here's the thing...our ward had a great bar-b-que that afternoon. That was great. I love seeing my church friends in a social situation and I love just to sit and chat. My husband had to go early so "reserve" the park (4-hours early, but whatever), so I kinda missed him that morning. My son had friends spend the night, so they were off and out of the house early and to the park to be first in line for the food. My daughter and I went to the park together. We waited for the little kids to get off the swings and then we swung. That was perfect. She said the best thing to me, she said something like while all the other mothers has just let their kids to swing or whatever, I was the only mother to go and swing with her. She said I was like her best friend. Ahhhh, I know. Anyway a little later on after eating, my son and his friends left and a few minutes later my daughter wanted me to take her home (you have to kinda feel bad for my Nattie because there are no girls her age in our ward. She is usually way the older one there) because she was not having any fun. I did and came back and sat and chatted with my husband and my friends. We were one of the last three couples to leave the park.

Okay, so, my son continues to stay with friends that whole night and my daughter went to a friends house and my husband had to go to work. So, again, here I was alone in this great big house. I had work to do, but it was a holiday after all and why would I want to sit at this computer anyway.

Saturday...same day, same crap. Garrick was out and about with his friends. I made Natalie go to the grocery store with me because I HATE to go by myself (I am getting a little anxiety over this fact, because in a few years I will have to go by myself or starve - but that is another subject). Later on, she went to a friends and Trent went to work. See a pattern here. Again, all alone. Some people, especially younger mothers, would love the time alone, but not me. I never have. Again, I sat by myself with nothing to do (I think I need a hobby) and waited for my kids to come home. That is how I spend most of my time, waiting for my kids and/or husband to come home so I am not alone.

All-in-all, it was a good weekend (if only you could see me write that sentence, you would so know that I was lying!!) No, it really was. I am glad to live in a place were one day we can shoot off fireworks and light up the sky and then two days later we can go to the church of our choice and worship as we please.

feelings

This is what my eyes saw:



This is what my heart felt:

All I could remember when I saw my baby getting his diploma was where the heck was that little guy I held in my arms over 18 years ago?!? I ask myself if I had a magic wand would I do it all over again? Of course I would. All the tears, all the laughs, all the good times, all the bad times -- I would do all again. I miss not holding my little guy in my arms. The only thing I would change would be those times when I was a little too busy to stop what I was doing to look down and tell my son how I love him or to stop what I was doing (dishes really can wait) to play on the floor more than I did or to stop what I was doing to push him just a little bit higher for a little bit longer or to make time to go to the park today or... the list can go on and on. I hope I did okay. I hope he can look back and say, yes mom, you did okay. Though I have not officially said good-bye to him yet, I can already tell it is the hardest thing I have ever done. What the heck am I going to do in 3 years when Natalie does all this?