iPod and Memories and Remembering and Forgetting

Music.  I love music.  I listen to all sorts of different types of music.  I enjoy most of it.  There are few genres that I just cannot set into...rap or jazz.  I know, most people really like jazz..  I have tried and there are a few jazzy tones on my iPod but it is just not my favorite.  I even have a few rap songs on my playlist. 

Here is the thing...there are some songs on my iPod that I just cannot listen to anymore.  When I put them on my iPod, I loved them.  They meant something to me.  Now, when they start, usually within just a few notes, I have it forwarded to the next song.  I don't think it is the song itself, but perhaps what the song once meant.  The feelings I had when I listened to that song or the place I wanted to go while listening or the memory associated with it.  There are a couple of songs that I specifically put on so I would think about my Daddy when they came on.  Sounded like a great idea at the time.  But, when they come on, I think about my Daddy.  Sometimes I am just not in the right place to think about him or the memories.  Sometimes with a song, I will hear it start and immediately know it and immediately know my heart will be ripped out if I listen to it. 

So, last week, I brought my iPod to my desk and plugged it in.  I got rid of all the songs that hurt my heart.  Those ones that tear me up to hear.  Those ones that will forever bring tears to my eyes. 

Today, I plugged my iPod back into my computer and put those songs back in. 

I don't know why.  I missed hearing the first sounds of the song and then forwarding it.  I missed having that control over my emotions.  I missed, if even for a split second, thinking about that one specific memory.  Those memories are a part of me, my soul, my heart.  I can't just rip them out.  I will leave an empty shell.  Those memories are what keeps my blood pumping through my veins.  Without them, I merely exist.  With them, I live again. 

Sometimes I go to bed and say a little prayer that tomorrow I will remember nothing; all will be forgotten.  It kinda makes me happy for a second to think that I don't have to be sad anymore or think about things that hurt me.  Then, after a moment of thinking about what tomorrow will be like without remembering, I say another little prayer asking for the first prayer to be ignored.  I need to remember; I just need to figure out how to box it all up and bring it out only when I want to.  Thus, the songs.  I can remember by listening or I can box it up by skipping forward. 

"Life is a game of forgetting and remembering. 

You are losing the game when you ... 

forget who you are and what you are doing here, remember the false things of the past and what they did to you.
You are winning the game when you ... 

remember your true identity of peace, remember the one who is always peaceful and has unconditional love for you, forget the troubles of the past and move forward with the lessons learned.
Observe what you remember during the day and what you forget." 

~ Sadru Rajwani

Remembering....Forgetting.  There is a very fine line there.  You can't do both; you can't have it both ways.   You either remember or you forget. 

For today, I will remember.  I hope I never really get to the day where I truly want to forget, when I don't go back to take back that first prayer, when I am okay with you being gone.  

XOXO

Broken Promises

We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.  ~Abraham Lincoln

Ah...how many promises have been broken?  Too numerous to count, I would imagine.  How easy "I promise" rolls off the tongue.
 
Some people make promises they never intended to keep.  While others, they make promises with the best of intent.  Some ask for promises that can never be fulfilled, yet, the other promises "with all my heart."  Some broken promises are life changers, while others broken rarely are seen.  Some promises are next to impossible to ever be, but yet, one makes the promise -- I wonder if they knew it was a broken promise as soon as it was said? Some might say that circumstances changed or something happened along the way; it is still a broken promise to the one you were looking at as you said it. 

Then, there are the infamous "pinky" promises that are never to be broken.  And there is the "spit in the hand and shake" promise; again, with very powerful unbreakability factors. And my favorite, "sealed with a kiss" promise; the kiss itself being the biggest promise.

How many promises can be broken before one stops believing?  How many promises can be broken before your word means nothing?  How many more promises will be broken before the lesson is learned? 

I know someone who asked someone to promise them that they would live to be 90 years old.  The promise was made.  Can that even really be called a promise?  A promise is a declaration that you will do (or not do) something specific.  Given you have control to do it.  You can not control who lives to be 90 and who does not.  I would imagine if I promised to live to 90, I would give it all I had and I would try my hardest, but in the end, if I failed, I broke a promise. My word.  

Ah, my word.  How important that phrase is -- "I give you my word."  Why do some people just take "your word" because you gave it to them? Faith perhaps?  Too much trust?  I am one of those people who will take your word.  If you tell me something and make a promise and give me your word...I believe you.  Even if you failed me once before, or even twice, I will still believe in you and still believe that this time will be different.  Sometimes this leads to major disappointment; sometimes not.  

I have broken many a promise -- 
     I promise to take you and your sister to the park today.  
     I promise to call.  
     I promise we will go to lunch next week. 
     I promise to get out and about this weekend. 

Of course, there are many a promise kept -- 
    I promise to love you forever. 
    I promise to do my very best.  
    I promise to keep in touch.  
    I promise to always be here for you.  

So, what is the moral of the story?  Don't make promises?  Don't accept promises?  Promise and try your best?  Promise and forget it existed?  I don't know, really.  I will continue to accept promises and continue to believe they will be fulfilled and I will continue to make promises and try my best to keep them.  Really, what more can one ask? 

I promise to write another blog soon. 

XOXO

Blogworthy

It has been a while since I have actually came here and started a blog. I usually come to my site and sit here and try to think of things to write about. Some days, as in the past, I am lucky and come up with something. But, some days there is just nothing. My head cannot come up with a blogworthy blog. Some things I might find funny or amusing or even interesting, when I go to write about them, they fizzle out before they even really get started. One day, I will post all of the starts and you can see what I mean.

 So, the other day I came across a quote that kinda hit my heart hard. I like to look for different quotes to post on Twitter or Facebook, some are funny, some are serious, some are sad, and some just....are, I guess. This particular quote, which I am not going to share, made me really think. It made me go outside of my box and it made me pull thoughts from way deep down so I could make it all make sense. But I guess the bottom line with this quote was, I wanted it to be the way I wanted it to be. The way it read, there were two choices given; and I wanted the second choice. I wanted to be THAT person. I wanted THAT to be the way it was for me. So, while I was sitting here thinking about this quote, I did everything I could do to make my life fit around the second part of it. I maybe fabricated a bit or twisted things a little or completely even changed the way things really were, just a bit, so I could have the quote fit my life; or have my life fit the quote, I guess. By the time I was done thinking about it and had wrapped it all up in this nice little package, I realized what I had done. The whole time I was justifying it, I really had no idea that is what I was doing. As I thought of these lines, I thought about my life and how perfectly it was all fitting, not once really thinking about how it was manipulated.

Of course, now looking at it, I can be a little more objective about it and see it for what it is. I still have made it fit the way I think it should; why wouldn't I? That is how I want it and in my head that is how I have worked it and it all makes sense. If I were tell someone the quote and explain to them my situation, I am positive I could explain my thoughts and have it work out the way I think it should. On the other hand, if I were to tell someone that truly knew me and my situation, they could certainly debate the other side and be right as well.

I just found it a bit amusing...amusing is probably not the right word to use...I just found it a bit amazing how I could turn the situation the way I wanted it. Given a different day, in a different time in my life, I could have turned it the other way. But the words in the quote, the ultimate reason for the quote, is not to have my life be one way or the other, but to sit and ponder the phrase and ask yourself where your heart is. And, in that sense, the quote met its objective. I have pondered the thought over and over again, switching scenarios, switching the reasoning for my thinking, but I always, always end up taking the same path and going the same way I know I should with whom I should. I always end up in the same place. Whether I have justified it to fit, whether I only dream it that way, or frankly, whether that is the way it is or not; that is the way I see it and the way I feel it and the way I want you to look at it, too.

I hope that was cryptic enough for you all!!!

A personal note...I have not picked up knitting in a while; a month maybe. I kinda am in this little....what shall we call it? I am kinda in this little depressive funk. I am working my way out of it and seeing things for what they are and taking everything for what it's worth; but it is taking me a while. When one has seen life one way in their head or their dreams and then real life shows up and turns it all around...well, let's just say I was thrown for a bit of a loop and things did not turn out as I had expected they would and I am not doing exactly the things I thought I would and those plans that were made have been altered for good and shelved forever. I am working it out. That is really the best I have right now. And frankly, I believe that that is good enough.

XOXO

Okay...these are the things bothering me today.

First of all there are two really stupid commercials on television that I either A) don't get or B) think are dumb! The first one is the Swiffer commercial(s) where the mud and the dirt are attracted to the Swiffer. There is some cheesy 70s romance music and some stupid pick up line. Dumb. Really Dumb. The other one (I really believe there were three, but I can only think of two off the top of my head...oh well) is the subway commercial(s) where adults sound like kids and they are asking about the other's sandwich. In one, a girl wants to be a boy's girlfriend and then takes his sammie and the other one there are like three firemen and they are rock, paper, scissoring for a bite...I don't get it. However, I guess the point of these stupid, meaningless commercials was to get me to remember...it worked.

The other thing...spelling. I am a tremendously wonderful speller...ask my grade school teachers and my mom (just a side note here -- when I was in grade school, they used to give us spelling tests on Thursday and if you got 100% on Thursday, you did not have to take the test on Friday -- I cannot ever remember taking a Friday test...just sayin')! But there are two words I can never spell right, never. It does not matter how many times I have to spell them, I get them wrong EVERY time. The first one us guarantee (damn, I was so close that time!!). There is something about that second A. I never get it. The other word is restaurant (thank you spell check!). That stupid AUR and the middle and "rant" is not pronounced "rahnt". I think these two words are stupidly spelled! Did you notice how guarantee has an U and then an A while restaurant has an A and then a U....?

Let's see...is there anything else I need to rant....pronounced RANT!...about? Crap...I guess not. I wanted to stay on my blog a little while longer, but I got nothing else to say! Back to work, I guess. Or, perhaps, I could ditch work and go to knitting. The Giants are on TV tonight! My favorite past times....knitting while watching my Giants play. I would normally have said Giants win...but, yikes, having a bit of a problem with the W lately! There was a good brawl the other day, but, alas, I missed it! I was at the movies with my man. (a quick side note here...Oh my gosh, went to see the Planet of the Apes movie, it was like....spec - tac - u - lar!! Trent did not really want to see it, it was my pick. I remember watching Planet of the Apes on TV with my uncle when I was a young girl. I was wondering how it all came to be. Well, lo and behold, I found out. It was so good, I almost want to go see it again and I never do that!!) I was rereading this mess and when I said "young girl" of course I meant "younger girl"!!!!!!!! LOL. And...one last thing...Are you ready for some Football? Can you believe this week starts preseason?!? My boys are taking on the Broncos Thursday. I hope we found a leader this year. I am thinking we are going to have a winning season. Hey...wouldn't it be great if my Giants won AND my Boys won!! Color me one happy Velvet!

I just thought of something funny I thought I would share about spelling. Let me preface here first...I work in the medical field and when doctors assess the way you walk, it is referred to as gait. Okay, so a while back I asked my husband in a note to look at the gate....of course the note read, "Trenty, I cannot get the back gait open, can you look at it? V". Hey...it was spelled write (duh, I know)!! LOL! Don't even get me started on bowl/bowel and pleural/plural. But I always get your/you're and their/there/they're right!

Okay...this was one hot mess of a blog post. If you made it this far, thank you for sticking with me!

XOXO

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

A movie I watched forever ago and recently came across the other day had this great line in it... "Get busy living or get busy dying." How is it that you want to live your life? You can live each day and look forward to tomorrow or you can live each day and wonder if tomorrow will come. You can look back on your life with regret or you can look back and remember the good times. You can ask yourself a hundred times, "What if?" or you can ask yourself, "Why not?"

I am generally the worrier, the regreter, the "what ifer". Not today. Today, I look back and remember only the good. I chose put those regrets and those if only's in the corner today. Today, I will get busy living.

Today, I will remember those late, late night pizza runs. I will remember the stupid jokes you would tell. I will remember the way you would come down the hall walking that walk. I will remember our banter for curfew. I will remember the walks to the park. I will remember you letting me take the wheel for the first time. I will remember you dragging me outside to learn about my car motor. I will remember me begging you to please not make me go to the parts store (those guys were mean to me!). I remember taking off your boots by straddling your foot and you pushing me with the other foot. I remember dancing on your feet. I remember all of my cuts and scratches that perhaps needed stitches that you took care of for me. I remember the milk carton throwing. I remember your attempts at Spanish. I remember climbing a tree and going too high and you having to come and get me. I remember poker at the "big house." I will remember you breaking your hand by teasing the dog. I remember the phone calls after I moved to California and the worry on your part about earthquakes. I remember how you would always tell me to call you if I needed you. I will remember our last hug only a few weeks before you left and with a little regret, I will regret not holding on for a few extra moments.

Today, I will remember my Daddy, the first man in my life, never letting me fall. Always positive in a world full of negative. Always in my heart.

XOXO

***

Seasons of Love (Rent)

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylight?
In sunsets?
In midnights?
In cups of coffee?
In inches?
In miles?
In laughter?
In strife?

In Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.
Seasons of love.
Seasons of love.

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan.
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

In truth that she learned
or in times that he cried?
In the bridges he burned
or the way that she died?

It's time now to sing out
though the story never ends.
Let's celebrate,
remember a year in the life of friends

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.
Seasons of love.
Seasons of love.

***