Music. I love music. I listen to all sorts of different types of music. I enjoy most of it. There are few genres that I just cannot set into...rap or jazz. I know, most people really like jazz.. I have tried and there are a few jazzy tones on my iPod but it is just not my favorite. I even have a few rap songs on my playlist.
Here is the thing...there are some songs on my iPod that I just cannot listen to anymore. When I put them on my iPod, I loved them. They meant something to me. Now, when they start, usually within just a few notes, I have it forwarded to the next song. I don't think it is the song itself, but perhaps what the song once meant. The feelings I had when I listened to that song or the place I wanted to go while listening or the memory associated with it. There are a couple of songs that I specifically put on so I would think about my Daddy when they came on. Sounded like a great idea at the time. But, when they come on, I think about my Daddy. Sometimes I am just not in the right place to think about him or the memories. Sometimes with a song, I will hear it start and immediately know it and immediately know my heart will be ripped out if I listen to it.
So, last week, I brought my iPod to my desk and plugged it in. I got rid of all the songs that hurt my heart. Those ones that tear me up to hear. Those ones that will forever bring tears to my eyes.
Today, I plugged my iPod back into my computer and put those songs back in.
I don't know why. I missed hearing the first sounds of the song and then forwarding it. I missed having that control over my emotions. I missed, if even for a split second, thinking about that one specific memory. Those memories are a part of me, my soul, my heart. I can't just rip them out. I will leave an empty shell. Those memories are what keeps my blood pumping through my veins. Without them, I merely exist. With them, I live again.
Sometimes I go to bed and say a little prayer that tomorrow I will remember nothing; all will be forgotten. It kinda makes me happy for a second to think that I don't have to be sad anymore or think about things that hurt me. Then, after a moment of thinking about what tomorrow will be like without remembering, I say another little prayer asking for the first prayer to be ignored. I need to remember; I just need to figure out how to box it all up and bring it out only when I want to. Thus, the songs. I can remember by listening or I can box it up by skipping forward.
Here is the thing...there are some songs on my iPod that I just cannot listen to anymore. When I put them on my iPod, I loved them. They meant something to me. Now, when they start, usually within just a few notes, I have it forwarded to the next song. I don't think it is the song itself, but perhaps what the song once meant. The feelings I had when I listened to that song or the place I wanted to go while listening or the memory associated with it. There are a couple of songs that I specifically put on so I would think about my Daddy when they came on. Sounded like a great idea at the time. But, when they come on, I think about my Daddy. Sometimes I am just not in the right place to think about him or the memories. Sometimes with a song, I will hear it start and immediately know it and immediately know my heart will be ripped out if I listen to it.
So, last week, I brought my iPod to my desk and plugged it in. I got rid of all the songs that hurt my heart. Those ones that tear me up to hear. Those ones that will forever bring tears to my eyes.
Today, I plugged my iPod back into my computer and put those songs back in.
I don't know why. I missed hearing the first sounds of the song and then forwarding it. I missed having that control over my emotions. I missed, if even for a split second, thinking about that one specific memory. Those memories are a part of me, my soul, my heart. I can't just rip them out. I will leave an empty shell. Those memories are what keeps my blood pumping through my veins. Without them, I merely exist. With them, I live again.
Sometimes I go to bed and say a little prayer that tomorrow I will remember nothing; all will be forgotten. It kinda makes me happy for a second to think that I don't have to be sad anymore or think about things that hurt me. Then, after a moment of thinking about what tomorrow will be like without remembering, I say another little prayer asking for the first prayer to be ignored. I need to remember; I just need to figure out how to box it all up and bring it out only when I want to. Thus, the songs. I can remember by listening or I can box it up by skipping forward.
"Life
is a game of forgetting and remembering.
You are losing the game when
you ...
forget who you are and what you are doing here, remember the
false things of the past and what they did to you.
You are winning the game when you ...
You are winning the game when you ...
remember your true identity of peace, remember the one who is always peaceful and has unconditional love for you, forget
the troubles of the past and move forward with the lessons learned.
Observe what you remember during the day and what you forget."
Observe what you remember during the day and what you forget."
~ Sadru Rajwani
Remembering....Forgetting. There is a very fine line there. You can't do both; you can't have it both ways. You either remember or you forget.
For today, I will remember. I hope I never really get to the day where I truly want to forget, when I don't go back to take back that first prayer, when I am okay with you being gone.
XOXO
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