Five for Monday...or close enough

Today's five things I am happy about are really quite hard to come by! I got three in my head right now...I will see what comes to me as I start.

1) Last week it was my daughter...Today, it is my son. He has been at school for almost 3 years (!) and everyday I wake up and I miss him in my house. I miss the piano playing a lot. He used to practice the piano all of the time, before school, after school, during commercials! He loved to sit at the piano and just play. I miss that sound in my house a lot. This weekend he took a trip from Idaho to Salt Lake City and attended "the Festival of Colors." I don't know anything about this or what it represents, but I got a few texts from him with a few pictures and he had a great time. I guess when my children are happy, I am, too! The smile on his face, that makes me happy.

2) No more leaking in my roof! Here in Stockton for the last 2 weeks, really, has been nothing but rain and clouds. As noted last week, I don't mind the rain. I am not one of those people who get depressed with the rain. But,water rolling (I mean roooolllllliiinnnngggg) down my wall is not a good thing. Trent tried to see if he could fix it, but ended up calling a roofer guy. After $350 and a potential $400 more... my roof is fixed.

3) The Giants are on television! I got a text telling about the game and sure enough, the Giants are at home and playing the Oakland As. I love to watch my teams. I have been to a few Giants games and I am hoping to take my guy to Dallas Stadium one day to see the Cowboys play.

4)

5)

That is the best I can do. I have sat here all day and tried to think of things that make me happy. I am just in too dark a place today to find them. I know that they exist, just not today.

Five for Monday....

I have been dealing with a bit of sadness lately. I have been trying to think of ways to brighten my days. My friend who I visited with last week said that I should blog about things that make me happy. She suggested a "Five for Friday" thing, but I hardly have time to blog on Fridays, so I changed it up a bit! I like the ring of "Five for Monday!" Now, whether or not I can come up with 5 things that make me happy or not...well here it goes:

1) My loving daughter. Last night she was not feeling well and she kept asking me for things! Like blankets, drinks, cookies.... She was pissing me off! She even climbed into bed with me, laid right next to me, I mean RIGHT. NEXT. TO. ME. I could not breath, I could not move. I kept yelling at her to scoot over. We were laughing and "fighting" in bed. I love her. She is, without a doubt, my best friend. She is, without a doubt, my biggest pain in the ass!!She is, without a doubt, one of the best people I know. She is, without a doubt, someone who makes me happy.

2) Waking up with a good morning from the one you love. I hate to wake up to a buzzing alarm! In fact, I never set the alarm to go off with a buzzer because I will be in a bad mood all day! I usually wake up to music, my iPod. I did not set the alarm last night because Natalie is enjoying her last day of spring break (yeah, what the heck is that about? A week and two days of spring break?) and there was no real reason that I had to get up early. I mean, there is work and all but if I really gave a crap about work I would working now and not blogging...I have my priorities! Anyway, back to my original thought....I love being woke up with a "good morning" from my guy. Perfection at its finest.

3) Talking for a couple of hours on the phone with my friend! I love talking with Michelle, she usually has a lot to say. We don't talk as much as we used to, so when we do get on the phone, it is rarely quick. She called this morning and we chatted. I would tell you about all we chatted about but the conversations ranged from rain to Libya to leaking roofs (yeah, mine...great) to blogs to kids to husbands to gyms to family to headstones to church to Christmas lights to a bridal shower to stolen trash cans to security cameras to library books to book club. I have to say, though, she made me laugh. She may not had gotten the first smile (see #2 above) but she certainly got the first laugh of the day! Something about "yakking" while showering....trust me, its best you not know!

4) So, I have been knitting a lot. I like it. I think I might have a knack for it...I don't know, yet, really, the jury is still kinda out on that one. I like it...let's just stop right there. So, I had this idea...quitting my job and knitting for a living!! I know!!! Super Genius!!! I was thinking about knitting little baby sets with blankets and booties and a hat and a sweater and selling them! I asked Michelle if she would buy one....let's just say, probably not quitting my day job any time soon!

5) The rain. I know, bite me. I like the rain. I like it. When we lived in New Mexico, we had the best rain storms there with thunder and lightening and downpours like the likes you have never seen! Not so much in California. But I still like the rain. I don't like being out in in too much such as driving in it or walking in it. But if I have to walk it in from the car to the door, I don't mind. I don't mind it when the rain comes into my face and runs my mascara. I don't mind it when the rain ruins my hair (unless, of course, I need to look extra beautiful for something!!). I like the darkness the clouds bring and I like the wonderful smell afterward. I suffer from allergies, so I like the fact that the rain cleans the air that I breathe. After a few days, it does start to get a little depressing...but for the most part, I like the rain and it makes me happy. One day, I hope to dance in the rain.

Okay...that was easier than I thought it would be. When I first sat down, I thought of the first three and thought I was going to have to change the title to "Three for Monday"! But, sitting here, putting off work, thinking about people I love and things I love to do, it made it rather easy, actually a lot easier than I thought, to come up with 5 things that made me happy today. In fact, I maybe could have listed another thing or two! Now, next week, I don't know. I wonder if I can come up with 5 new things next week? I wonder if I will care enough to try.

XOXO

Who is she?

To my friend who is trying to figure out who she is...

Dearest Friend:

Who are you? Who am I? Hard questions, really. I am not even sure the smartest, the most in-tune, the best people really know who they are. I believe you are probably different people to different people. I would imagine to your husband, you are the love of his life. To your children, you are a mother, sometimes understanding, sometimes not so much, sometimes compassionate, sometimes strict, sometimes fun. To you parents, you are the only girl, the baby, the one who maybe needs them a little more than she used to.

Of course, I am just guessing here...knowing what I know about you.

Here is what I think...this is who you are to me --
You are a very kind, gentle woman. You come off has having a hard edge, but those who really know you, know that it is not has hard as first thought. You are beautiful inside and out. Your soul shines through. You shoot your mouth off at times!!! Not to me, really! But I so love it when you call me and tell me, "Velvet, you will never guess what I said to who?" or "Oh my gosh, why can't I think before I talk?" I have to tell you, those phrases never cease to put a big smile upon my face! When I get a phone call that starts off like that, I know my day is made! Sometimes, most times really, it is never as bad as you think. I do think, however, you have the ability to surprise people with some of the things you say. You come off as being more prim and proper than most, so when one hears a "dammit" or a "shit" or a "bitch" come out of your mouth, it causes one to double take! But, not to offend you or anything, you hardly surprise me anymore. I think I know you now. I think I know the real person. When you slip and tell me something that some people might be offended by, I see where it is coming from and take it for what it is worth and usually laugh at you...or with you in most cases! And, dearest friend, most of the time, you have taken the words right from my mouth.

You are a terrific mother. I know sometimes you don't think so and I think you think you have more reason than not to believe this. I see you, obviously, from the outside, but I absolutely know that you put your children first. They may tell you that you yell (who doesn't?) or that you are strict (who isn't) or that you are mean (oh, puleeeze), but frankly, if your kids aren't saying stuff like that occasionally, you probably aren't doing that great of a job!

I know you feel that you pushed your child excessively and that you maybe did not think everything through. I wish I could tell you that you are so wrong about this. I wish I could show you what I saw. I wish I could let you see you through my eyes and let you know my deepest thoughts on this. I wish I could tell you what a special woman you are to endure the things you have. I wish I could tell you that you are one the strongest women I know and you were picked to endure the things you have because you can. I wish I could tell you that surviving the things you have would have put most women, including me, over the edge. I can tell you, dearest friend, I would never have survived the things you have. I would not have. I know you think that you have not survived, but you really have. I know you have bad days and I know you second guess the things you did and did not do and I know there are days when you wish you could just leave this world behind, but none of these things make you less of a woman, less of a mother, less of a friend. I wish, my friend, that I could show you how wonderful of a person, of a mother, you are. I wish I could show you the love I see you have for those around you.

When I was at a very, very low point in my life. When I was covering things up and not talking to people (still there, by the way), when I got to the point that I had to talk to someone (outside of my family), you were that person. When I called you and asked you to fast for me and my family but I could not tell you why...you did, without question, without doubt, without hesitation. Then, there came a day when I had to tell you, it was inevitable, you were going to know and I wanted you to know from me. I called you. You came to my house and you sat here. You let me cry my eyes out on your shoulder. You let me bitch and moan about the circumstance. You let me bring others down with me as I was wallowing. You never judged me. Not once. You never told me I was wrong. You never tried to let me see the "bright side" of the situation as there was not one. When I was facing this, you were the one person that I knew I could count on. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me that day, those days.

To this day, suffering the things we are both suffering, trying to deal with just waking up every morning, you are one person that I know I can call and tell just about anything to. You are one person who I can sit on the phone with for hours and hours and laugh one minute and cry the next. I know I can tell you anything and I know the things I tell you stay with you and you keep them. You give me your opinion and I give you mine, neither of worrying anymore, really, about hurting the others feelings...we are past that now. I know you have my back and I hope, you know, without question, that I have yours.

So, my friend, who are you? Who cares?! You are who I need you to be when I need you to be it. You don't question me and ask me why or why not or find out what you can do or what can be done...you just call me and listen to me and talk to me. Who are you? You are a tremendous woman with a big heart, with lots of thoughts, with lots of love, who hates to be hugged but who can find it in her heart to give me that hug when I need it, who does not bring too many people too close, but once you let us in, I think we are there for a while. You are a woman who most would like to be, I think. You are so funny, a trait I don't think a lot of people actually know. You are such a smart ass...again, not thinking a lot of people would know that! You make me laugh when I need to. You make me think, sometimes way more than I want to. You make me know how very blessed I am to have you as a friend. You, my dear friend, are someone I am extremely grateful to have in my life.

I love you....I know...you hate that, too!! Bite me!

the Book of Velvet

I think Spring has sprung in good ol' Northern California. I think I mention this every year...but, I have this window that is very high in the front room. I can see out of that window as I am sitting at my desk in the family room. There are two times a year when the sun hits me directly in the face...Spring and Fall. There are only a few days, maybe a week, that the sun comes directly inside that window and fills my desk with beautiful sunlight. I jokingly call it my "spotlight." I love the feeling of warmth around the corner. I like knowing the days will be longer and the nights shorter. I like knowing that Summer is almost here. I like knowing that I have softball games to fill my afternoons. I love driving down the street and seeing all the trees bloom (my sinus passages, however, will most likely not agree!). My bluebirds have found their way home and hopefully will be starting a new family soon. I love watching those babies. I even love that my birthday is just a few months away.

My daddy used to tell me that he had so many years left. The last few times I saw him, he would tell me that he felt he had "5 good years left" in his life and he wanted to take full advantage of them. He was wrong. But, I think back to the last few years he was here and I believe that he was living the best years of his life. I think he was just wrong about which 5 years....he was thinking the next 5, when in reality it was the last 5. I think about him everyday. I find myself asking him for help, asking him to comfort me in my times of need, asking for that fatherly guidance. There are times that I know he is hearing me; I will thinking about him or talking with him, either in my mind or out loud, and I can feel his presence around me. I still have not really dreamt about him which still really bothers me; I have a few nightmarish dreams of him, but not any of the comforting ones that I had when my grandfather died. I have wondered why this is and what I can do to change it...I get nothing.

So, as Winter turns to Spring, I turn yet another page in the Book of Velvet. I often go back and "reread" some of the good times in that book and I will go over the really bad times. I get tempted to look ahead a few chapters...but I don't. I guess the most important thing is just to keep turning the pages, getting to the next chapter and then the next. If you know me at all, you know that I have jumped ahead and read the last few pages of almost every book I have read (the only exception is "The Count of Monte Cristo"), I have this patience problem. I have to know what the fate is of a certain character or if the book indeed has a happy ending. I will admit to looking at the very last page of the Book of Velvet -- no matter if I am in a happy place or a sad place or doing the things I am supposed to or not -- it always ends the same; She dies. So, I guess until then, I will turn the pages.

XOXO

Knitting Expert? Sure!!!

Just a quick little update on my knitting projects.

So, yesterday, after way too long (sorry my baby), I finished Natalie's throw. It turned out nearly as beautiful as she is:




So... let's see here. I have made a scarf for myself. I made a scarf for my Uncle Bobby (I wonder if he wears it?). I made a scarf for my son. And now, I have made two throws.

Yesterday, I started on my Giants scarfs for Trent, Natalie, and myself. I did one pattern that I have been looking soooo forward to doing...I hated it. I did about 50 rows and ripped it out. I then looked online and got a different pattern. This involved a double knitting procedure. I did about 10 rows. I loved the double knitting, but... oh, my gosh...that one scarf would have taken me 3 years to finish!! Not only that, I think with the pattern of the double knitting would be better with a smaller needle and not so thick of yarn. It was hard to make out that those were hearts. I think anyway. I will definitely do that pattern, though, in the future, with different yarn and needles. So...I decided that I knew what I wanted, so I made my own pattern!!! I know, right?!?! Genius!! So...I have done about 25 rows of it and....I hate it!!! Natalie says she likes it, so I will continue to do it for her. I think I will comb the net in the next few days and find something that I love! My guess is...I will be ripping out this third attempt at my Giants scarf. Being a perfectionist is NOT all it is cracked up to be!

I also have yarn to do a wrap. The pattern I have uses cable needles, which kinda excites me a bit. I have put this off because the Giants have their first game in April and I would like to have our scarves done by then. But, I may go ahead with this and put the scarves off until I find something that I love and want to do. Decisions....decisions....decisions.

As far as life goes...well, I have certainly had better days. Going through some rough times and trying to figure some things out. My head is full of many thoughts. Changes and different seasons of life are finally taking a toll on me. I am doing things to help with this journey and I just hope that I find the ones I love at the end of the road.

Much love...

XOXO