Taking Care of a Chronic Pain Patient

My husband has been sick...really sick.  He is hopefully going in for surgery later this month, but in the meantime, I have become his caretaker.  This is not an easy job, not at all. 

I think the first thing everyone should know is that when you are taking care of someone you love who hurts, you hurt as well.  I may not hurt physically like he does, but my heart hurts.  I feel his pain in a different way than he does.  He has a physical pain; I have an emotional pain.  There were times that I honestly got onto my knees and prayed that Heavenly Father just give me his pain.  If only for a day or two.  Just let me take on the physical burden for him.  Not that I could handle it any better than he could, but just because he needed to have a pain free day and he needed some reprieve.  In 8 days, he will have had this chronic pain for 4 months.  I wish, with all my heart, I could have given him relief for some of those days.

Another thing that I have learned is it doesn't really matter how bad the pain is.  The pain just is.  In the hospital, the nurse would ask what his pain level, between 0 to 10,  was before they would give him any pain medications.  Would they alter the dose pending the level?  No.  Can I alter his pain medication dosage if he has a 10/10 pain compared to a 7/10 pain?  No.  He gets the same dosage pretty much regardless of the amount of pain.  The medication may vary depending on the amount of pain, but not the dosage.  The frequency of the medication doesn't even change.  Does it matter if his pain is a 10/10 or a 2/10?  No...it just matters that he has pain. 

An important lesson is that I MUST care for myself first.  I think about the flight attendants little speech at the beginning of each flight and when talking about oxygen, they say if you are with a child or someone who needs your help with the mask to put your mask on first and THEN put their mask on.  I have to be able to care for him and the only way I can do so, is to care for myself.  When I skip meals or don't get the sleep I need or rush to the grocery store and back so he is not left alone for very long, I am not doing anyone any good.  I am doing myself harm and with that, I am hurting Trent.  If I am too exhausted to read the medication label or to see how much insulin is getting ready to be injected or I forget to flush the PICC line or forget to change the battery in his pump, I am putting someone I love in terrible risk.  I am not going to lie, this is a hard rule.  I want to take care of him first, his needs and then mine, however, through these past 4 months, I learned it has to be the other way around. 

The last thing I have learned is that we have some very exceptional family and friends.  Though very few people know exactly what is going on and the severity of it, I know that we are in peoples thoughts and prayers.  I feel it.  Daily.  I am not surprised that Trent is getting this response,  I am, however, surprised to be included.  I mean,  from my mom...okay, kinda expected.  When she calls, she always asks how I am first, then inquires about Trent.  She always tell me to take care of myself, I guess assuming that I might forget and just take care of Trent.  Which, I have!  I have a couple of friends who call and ask about Trent and then let me vent!  And vent, I do.  Lots of tears.  Lots of yelling.  Lots of questions.  Little answers.  Lots of prayers.  Those that have thought about Trent and me in the past few months, thank you.  Thank you so much. 

Oh, one final thing -- I am more like my mother than I care to admit!  She's been telling me for years that I am her mini me.  Though I am hardly her mini me, I have that mean Camacho and that oh so stubborn Mikolajczak blood running through my veins.  On one occasion, we were at the ER and it was busy, I mean B.  U.  S.  Y.   It was decided that they were admitting Trent and moving him to a different hospital due to lack of beds at the nearest one.  So, they rolled him into the hall.  And left him there.  For a long time.  His IV saline bag was empty and he was in terrible pain.  I walked up to the nurse who had been taking care of him for like the last 8 hours and asked for more fluids and more medication.  She informed me that she was no longer taking care of Trent...he had been released.  Is that right?  Released huh?  Well, that is funny because I still see him in the HALL with an empty IV bag writhing in pain.  I demanded to speak to someone.  I might have elevated my voice and I may have stomped my foot -- that is still up for debate.  The nursing supervisor was quickly at my side asking what the problem was.  I, and I admit, it may have been loud, explained the problem.  Explained that if he was going to lie around without fluids and without medication, I could just take him home and let him suffer in peace and without the whole emergency room staring at him whilst in the HALL!!  This rant may or may not  have been terribly cohesive.  But, I am positive that whatever my problem was, it was conveyed. 

She assured me that someone would be getting Trent more fluids and medication promptly.  I said she had 2 minutes, again, I may or may not have shoved my two fingers into her face and said she was on the clock.  I may or may not have said tick tock, baby, tick (naughty word) tock, baby.  And, I may or may not have followed her around to make sure the right medication was being called in and the proper dosage was being asked for.  At this point, while was standing in the hall, next to my husband's gurney, with my arms cross and my foot tapping, my daughter very calmly explained that was at a 10 and I needed to bring it down.  I  may or may not have flashed her a look to shut the hell up. 

It's actually kinda of funny now.  Every time Trent is back in the hospital, he gets pretty good service.  I joke (but really, I don't think it is a joke, I am sure this can be proven) that beside Trent's name in his medical records there is an asterisk and behind that asterisk is says something about his wife.   I am guessing that perhaps the initials FB are used... this is in code, of course.  But we all know what FB means!!  And, I will not deny it.  I will turn into the biggest bitch you have ever seen and I will yell and I will threaten and I will not give up until Trent is given what he needs.  If I go to the hospital and it has been over 2 hours since his last pain medication, you better watch your back, dear nurse, because I am coming for you and you are going to take care of my husband. Get it? 

I would hope, that someone would look out for me as well I have for Trent.  If this makes me my mother's daughter, then so be it (though, just for the record:  I am no where near as mean as my mother.  Really.  My daughter said in her 22 years on this earth, she has never seen me that mad and she has never heard me talk to someone in that tone with those words with that attitude.  I  may or may not have told her she better watch her back!!! LOL.  But really, ask my mom, she will tell you, thank heaven, that I am more like my daddy than her.  My brother on the other hand...well, lets just say the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.  Me? Not so much!!!)

Trent, if everything continues on a good path, will be having surgery in just a few weeks.  Though I am positive that this will go smoothly and without a glitch, those prayers and good thoughts are definitely appreciated.  Hopefully, I will be posting another post in a month or so bitching because Trent is back to work and he is there all of the time and he is never home!  Hopefully, I will be complaining about my grocery bill being back up.  And, most assuredly, I will remain thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed me with a man like Trent and a family like we have and friends who are so dear.  I am one very lucky woman. 

XOXO

The Things I Learned While My Husband Was Hospitalized

Trenty was hospitalized for eight days recently.   These are the life lessons I learned while he was there:

1. The laundry does not automatically do itself.  I know, right?!?  Someone has to actually sort the clothes in the hamper, bring them downstairs, load them into the washer, put them into the dryer before they sour, wait patiently for them to dry, take them out of the dryer before they get wrinkled,  fold them all neatly, and then bring them all back upstairs and put in the right bedrooms. 
2. My car does not magically fill itself up with gas.  What?!?  My car's gas gauge is never below like 1/4 tank.  Do you know there is a dinger bell warning thingie that rings when you are almost out of gas?  I know!!  
3. Along the lines of #2, did you know there is like a magical way to put the gas filler upper thingie into the gas tank hole thingie?  Yeah.  There is.  There is a secret "man code" thing about putting the thing into the thing!  Apparently, and I don't know if this is just California or all over the world, you have to like maneuver the handle thingie until it like clicks into the gas tank.  I can't explain it...but it had me nearly in tears.  Now, you know why there are instructions on the gas pump!  
4. The dogs poop a crap load (hahahahaha) in the backyard.  And...apparently someone has to pick that shit up!  
5. This goes with #4...it will all come together at the end (pun totally intended)!  Moosie has a little bit of separation anxiety.  If you don't leave the trash can out where he can get into it and spread trash all over the place, he will find something else.  On one particular day, he found crayons.  He ate them.  He pooped rainbows!  I know this because I saw this with my own two eyes!  
6. The dishwasher does not start itself.  Nor does it unload itself.  Who knew?
7. This one is hard to swallow (oh man... I am so on a roll!!).  You cannot eat every meal out for 8 days straight and not gain a couple of pounds.  Trent was in Modesto and I had to go back and forth, leaving early in the morning and coming home late in the evening.  I would have only one meal a day, and it was usually fast and from a place I didn't have to get out of the car.  Yeah, my pants are like....WHAT?!?!
8. Being an independent contractor is not all it is cracked up to be.  Work still has to get done.  I don't have days off, sick or vacation or otherwise.  I had to type from about 10:00pm to about 2 to 3:00am.  
9. I type way more accurate and way faster from 10:00pm to 3:00am!!  Also, I am so less distracted by other things!   



My babies waiting at 2:00am for me to go to bed!!

10. This is the most important.  We have the best friends and the very best family any people could ever ask for.  If I would have asked or accepted offers, my house could have been full of people who love me and support me.  I didn't tell a lot of people at first because we are kinda private people and we didn't want to bother anyone, but once I did, we had a huge outpouring of pure kindness and so much support.  There was one night in particular that I was at the end of my rope, I was standing on the ledge and needed to be talked down.  I called Michelle and bawled and yelled and screamed and she just listened.  She just knew what I needed and was there for me when I needed it.  My mom called every day to find out how he was and how I was holding up. I kept family updated by text and they respected my time and didn't push too much.  When I asked, there were more prayers and good thoughts to help carry Trent and me through this time.  I am so very humbled by these people.  They mean the world to me and I have no idea how I would have coped without their support, even from a thousand miles away.  Saying thank you is just not enough; I have no idea how to express my extreme gratitude for these very special people in my life.  If they could look into my heart, they would all see the place where they reside and know how much they all mean to me.  

I had one little thing that I wanted to share about Trent's experience under anesthesia; when he came from recovery, he mentioned his father who had passed.  But the best thing ever, was that he mentioned my daddy as well.  I have no doubt these two strong men, who I loved dearly, were with my husband and helped him along the way.  This just tears me up.  It swells my heart with such joy and such love to know that even in death, Trent's dad was there for him and my daddy was there to make sure I would be okay because Trent was okay.  

Trent is recovering, however, there are few more steps to take.  I am grateful to know that we don't have to go through them alone.

XOXO

A Post Christmas Post?!?

Just a couple of things on my mind this evening.

I sit here alone.  My daughter is out and my husband is working.  My son, well, he didn't make it home for the holidays this year.  My heart was broken.  I cried.  A lot.  This was the first Christmas since I had children that we were not all under the same roof for the arrival of Santa.  I am sure it is the first of many; but that doesn't make it any easier nor anything to look forward to.

On Christmas morning, Natalie asked why we did not have knitted stockings.   Guess what I will be knitting throughout the year?

This may shock some, but perhaps not.  I love Home Depot.  Not because I love to go through the store to find things to do with my house by myself, but because I always find something there that is very helpful!  When we painted our house, I found this "edger" painter thingie and I trimmed all of my walls dark chocolate milk brown and all of my ceilings sparkling white and the edging is perfect.  Perfect.  Per.  Fect.  I have been asked on many occasion if a professional did my walls.   A professional did not do my walls, I did.  With a great product from Home Depot!

Well, I was walking around Home  Depot by myself a few weeks ago.  I went in to look for some caulking stuff or weather striping stuff or something that took the draft away from the sliding glass door by which my work desk happens to be right by.  I have a heater.  And a blanket (home knit, btw).  But, nonetheless, I was cold.  I always look at the rugs.   And the new refrigerators (I am not really sure why on this one, but I do).  And the light switch covers.  And the paint colors (though I have no intention of painting again for a long while; even though my edges are Per. Fect!).  I just like to stroll Home Depot.  Especially by myself!!  When Trenty goes, he is often on a mission and I don't get to browse like I would like to!  They have toilets with #1 and #2 flushing buttons!!  I know, right?!?    Anyway, I digress.....

As I was browsing, slowly, down all of the aisles, I came across this frickin' wonderful new (? I don't know if it was new or not, but I had not seen it before) product that I just had to have!!!




It is a drain Zip-It!  I have rather long hair and I shed.  Yeah, go ahead, judge.  I shed!  Apparently, I shed a lot!  I bought this wonderful product to help with my slow drains in my bathroom.  Yes, drains.  Plural.  My side of the sink and the shower drains were slow.  I shed in the sink, as well.  Okay, I am judging myself a bit now!!  Anywhoooooo.... I bought this great little product.  I came home and after a few days, I remembered I had it in the truck!  So, I asked Natalie if she wanted to clear my drains with me!  Our lives must be very, very boring, because we were both WAY too eager to try this out.

I started with my sink drain.  Let me preface this by saying that I never wash my hair in the sink.  Never.  I brush my hair in front of the sink.  I curl my hair in front of the sink.  I hairspray my hair in front of the sink.  I never wash my hair anywhere near the sink.  Yet, I had a hair clog.  It was impressive!  Natalie was a little speechless with the hair ball in my sink drain.  I was a little surprised that I had any hair left on my head.

After this, we went to the shower drain.  I took the little plate off (I know my way around plumbing!) and I stuck the little Zip-It down the drain as far as it would go.  I don't know, maybe close to 2 feet?  I was kinda excited about what I was getting ready to pull out!  I slowly started to pull this long, plastic apparatus out of my shower drain and .... Oh.... My.... Gosh.... there was some hair on it.  And by "some hair" I mean....well,  let me say it this way... Natalie, not really a huge drama queen, sucked in her breath, opened her eyes WIDE, and yelled from the top of her lungs, " OH MY GOSH, THAT IS AS BIG AS YOUR PONY TAIL!!!!!"   It was indeed, my friends, as big and thick and long as my pony tail.  My puny pony tail, NOW, I might add.  I didn't know one could lose so much hair.  Of course, Trent does share the shower with me.  And everyone knows that Trent is getting a little shy on the top...where does all that hair go?  Huh?  That's right...I am sure it goes down the drain!  And, apparently, gets suffocated by my pony tail.

We then went into Natalie's bathroom.  She had no...absolutely NO!!...hair down her sink drain.  I really think I am the only person I might know who has lost so much hair down a sink drain...I am concerned.  But her shower....well, let's just say, she is a shedder herself.  Hereditary, my dear...hereditary!

Anyway...get this product.  Now.  Go and get this product!  And, if you get something out of your sink drain, please let me know...I gotta know it's not just me!!

There was a couple of other things I wanted to chat about, but I rambled too much about the sink hair...so, it shall wait for another time.  It was about lost love and dignity and that sort of crap!  Maybe best not to even bring it up again!

And here I will leave you with a little something...

And, I don't mean the dancing kind!!! ROFL!!

XOXO

Dallas!

Trent and I went to Dallas, Texas for the first time ever.  We had such a wonderful time. 

We were surprised at all the hype still going on at the Book Depository.  It has been 50 years...I just wonder if the next generation will still find it as interesting and those who kinda grew up around it all.  I wasn't born when JFK died (Trent was!!) but it was still something that interested me a lot.  I had heard about it my whole life.  The shooter, the grassy knoll, the conspiracies...it was all still there and still fascinating.  When we went to Washington DC a few years back, we went to see Ford Theater, but there wasn't a lot of people there.  I wonder if the whole JFK will eventually be like that?

We saw the Dallas Cowboys play live and in person!  They won and it was such a exciting game! What a great experience. It was a bucket list item for both Trent and I that we crossed off together.  As we talked throughout the days of this short little trip, we talked about other bucket list items; I hope we can cross off all of them together!  It was so amazing and just so wonderful to be with my eternal partner and knowing we have this life and the next to enjoy each other.

On that note, the other day Natalie and I were talking about something, I can't remember what brought it up, but she said, "Because of you and dad and the love you both have for each other, I know what real, true love is."  I almost cried my eyes out.  She sees it all, too.  She sees the arguments, the disagreements, the agree to disagree moments, the laughing, the joking, the hand holding, the admiration, the love.  She knows us; it is just not a person making an observation.  It made me feel really good that she has seen these things and knows what is important and what is worth working for.  All those times when I thought I was a bad mother kinda were lost in that moment.  It is not what you say but it really is what you do.

A couple of other things about Dallas... The drivers are really bad there!  They say California drivers are bad...no way, Jose!  Those people are cray cray!  But, they are very, very nice people.  Started up conversations with people standing in lines with us.  Always got a "Hi y'all" and a "Come back ya'hear" everywhere we went.  The shopping was amazing.  Thank you Tiffany and Co for my new earrings and the wonderful blue little box!  The clothing stores had a lot of sequins and fur!  The women were all made up and glamorous; I saw not ONE person in pajama bottoms and slippers walking around!  We were in line for the Maverick game and a couple saw us there and invited us to sit in their preferred seating box, for free!  Saw family who I love with all my heart and miss so much.  The gas was only like $2.50/gallon!!  WHAT?!?  The cupcakes were frickin' amazing.  The BBQ was out of this world!  The steaks were fork tender.  The panoramic view from the Reunion Tower was so beautiful.  I don't know, but I so could see myself living there someday.  I asked Trent to ask for a transfer!!  I even bought a cowboy hat, I am ready!!

The Maverick game from our box seats with our new friends!

The above mentioned cowboy hat. It HAD to have bling!

What a fun, fun place. 

Yeah, that's right, we're cool in our Dallas blue!

A little excited! 

On the Bowl Bus to the game. 

Me and my Cousin, Scotty! 

No explanation needed. 

Wedding cake for me, German chocolate for him.  

The corner window (this was on the 7th story, not the 6th because they have that blocked off) of the book depository looking down at where JFK was assassinated. 

One of our many, many views of Dallas from the Reunion Tower. 

Can't wait for our next adventure!! 

XOXO

Mama's Moosie

I was supposed to foster Moose.  He was only supposed to be at the house for 2 to 4 weeks.  He was not supposed to be mine.  I was not supposed to fall in love with Moosie, but, I did.  And, I would like to think that Moosie fell in love with Mama as well. 

I don't really know what kinda of a "family" Moose had before ours except that he was used for breeding.  Probably a lot of breeding.  He is very mild mannered and very easy going; perhaps like a doggie that has been passed around a bit.  He didn't really show a lot of emotion when we first got him.  Except that he was very aggressive towards Maggie.  If he found a toy, he would hoard it and if she came near, he would snap at her.  With that attitude, Moose was sure to find a new foster home before he was adopted out. 

It took me a few days, maybe even a week or so to figure out Moose.  He knew like five words:  Moose, sit, stay, come, and heel.  He didn't know "Cookie" as in treat.  He didn't know "wanna go for a walk?"  Or "wanna go for a ride?"  He didn't know "Who's Mama's Moosie?" or "Is Moo Moo a good boy?"  or even "I love you, Moosie."  It took me a while to catch on...No one had ever really talked to Moose.  No one had cuddled him or loved him.  No one had made him part of their family.   I talk a lot with my family, furry or otherwise.  If someone sneezes, I bless them.  If someone yawns, I ask if they are tired and ready for night night.  If it's been a long day, I express that to them.  If I am sad, I ask for huggies and cuddles.  My doggies are a part of my family, not just a pet. 

I laugh and say that I love Maggie more than I like most people; it's sad, but kinda true.  She is a faithful, loyal, pain in the ass, but she is mine.  Moose is too.  Moose is mine now.  He is starting to learn new words and phrases and he is starting to react to the tone of my voice and my moods.   He has a personality now.  He knows when he is in trouble and I think he knows that when I leave, I will return, back to him.   He knows I work at home during the day and can't play, but after I finish, we can throw the ball in the backyard!  He knows that first thing in the  morning mama is getting him "breakfast."

One of my most favorite things about Moosie is that he hugs me.  I can't really explain what he does, but when I first wake up, before I get out of bed, but after he knows I am awake, he will come up to me (he sleeps on the bed, so he just crawls up a bit!) and put his head and neck over my neck and pushes down, he leaves his behind up in the air.  At first, I thought he was trying to kill me!!  But then I figured it out, he is hugging me.  He stays in that position long enough for me to give him a kiss, tell him I love him, and rub his sweet little ears.  

I am happy to say that Moose indeed knows his name now, in every form that we call him (Moose, Moosie, Mooser, MooMoo, Mama's Moosie, Big Moo, Hoss, Moosie Degoosie, etc.)  He also not only knows what a cookie is, but he knows where mama has them stashed!  He knows that he has a bucket of toys that are just his and Maggie's.  He knows he is my buddy and my friend and my family.  All it took, was to be talked to and to be loved. 

Glad I could help you out, Moosie. 

XOXO