Cake, Glasses, and Sybil

Having your cake and eating it, too. Why is that so hard to accomplish? In the literal sense, I often have a cake and I always eat it, too. But in the big scope of things, I just cannot figure out why this is such a hard thing. Is it because I am so spoiled and think I deserve everything? Is it because I have never really been told no? Is it because I honestly think that I need, not want, but a true need of those things?

There are several "cakes" that I have the need to eat lately! Why, o why, cannot I not be in three different places at once? Why, when I was so young, did I want to grow up? Being a grown up is certainly not all it is cracked up to be! No one really tells you that. It is one of those famous (infamous?) lives lessons that we must learn on our own. I think if our parents really sat us down and told us of all the responsibilities of being a grown up, we would have all chosen to stay home dependent upon our parents!! Of course, that is probably not true in all cases; I am almost positive had my mom really sat me down and told me what my life would be at 42, I would have laughed at her and told her how wrong she was and left to be on my journey anyway! Thinking about this -- I wonder if I have told my children all that they need to know about being grown up. The thing is, even if I told them everything, they would still need to experience it on their own. Thus...the circle of life.

Another concept that I am having a hard time dealing with lately are these stupid rose-colored glasses!! I have finally taken them off, for a while anyway, to see the real world. As a grown up, I am trying to see things for what they really are. Not trying to read to much into them and not trying to make more of them then what they really deserve. I am trying to see people for who they really are -- I am trying to look in the mirror every morning and see who I really am. Some days, I really like that woman looking back at me, some days I wonder who that older woman is, and some days I look at her and walk away, not being able to look her in the eyes. Some days there is so much pain in her eyes, I hurt for her. Some days there is so much light coming from her eyes, that I sit and smile at her and glad I know her. At the end of week, I add it all up and I have only come to one conclusion -- Sybil!

Wow...what a segue! I could not sleep the other night and "Sybil" was on Lifetime (aside note here -- Thank Heavens for Lifetime; an insomniacs dream!!). It was not the original with Sally Field but a newer remake with Jessica Lange...anyway, I digress! I sat there and watched this woman, girl really, when in a situation she did not like, someone else took over! OhEmGee!! What a great thing!! Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and say, "Okay, I can't do this anymore. I give up. Someone else please take over!!" Then, I should black out and wake up hours or even days later and find the problem is gone! Of course, the real Sybil is such a sad, sad story and if I needed go through her life to obtain multiple personalities, I would just assume stay where I am. But, I like the idea of just handing my problems over to someone else; however, if only that someone else were indeed someone else.

So, let's see here...I want my cake and to eat it, too, I want to wear my rose-colored glasses forever, and I want to just hand over everything I cannot handle to others to deal with. Yeah...that about sums it up!

Now....back to reality.

XOXO

Putting the "Happy" in Happy Thanksgiving....

"Happy Thanksgiving!!" Really? Are you sure?

My husband is working on that day, my son could not come down, my New Mexico family is all together without me, and I am trying to put together a luncheon for a friend's family who just recently passed away. The first real family thing since my daddy passed away. Happy? Really?

Well, I may not be happy, but I am so very thankful...

I am thankful for the wonderful friends in my life. Even those who I don't think of everyday but when I get a chance to visit with them, they make me well aware of our friendship and they let me know, without words, that they are there for me. I have some very wonderful friends who will never have any idea how much they truly mean to me. Maybe I should let them know. Yes...I believe I will.

I am thankful for the roof over my head. For my job and for my husband's ability and willingness to work and support his family. For the savings account. For the ability to tell my children...yes, you can have that. For a warm bed every night. For food in the fridge.

I am thankful for my health.

Lastly, but most importantly, I am so, so, so thankful for my family.
*For my loving husband who never leaves my side. Who loves me despite myself. Who holds my hand as we watch TV. Who hugs me when I have tears. Who puts me first when I hardly ever do the same. Who I would be nothing without.
*For my so wonderful son. Who stole my heart away at our first touch. Who calls just to say, "I love you." Who never thinks of himself first. Who has never made me more proud to be his mom.
*For my ever-so fantastic daughter. Who always has a piece of my heart with her. Who gives me such an inner strength, she has no idea. Who makes me laugh until I cry. Who has shown me the love between a mother and daughter is unmatched.
*For my mom. Who fought with me when I was young until I could hardly stand it! Who never lost an argument (in her eyes). Who probably has no idea how much I love her.
*For my brother. Who is the biggest pain in the @$$ of my entire life. Who I love more than he could ever know. Who has really made me the person I am today.
*For my brother's family. Who I love and miss every single day.
*For my husband's family. A father and mother-in-law who are really a second set of parents for me. I love them. For Trent's brothers, and sister, and sisters-in-law, and nephews, and nieces, and great nephews, and great nieces -- how wonderful for me, that you have all let me be a part of your family.
*For my aunts and uncles. Who are a part of me and my life. Who brighten up my days with their presence.
*For Albert and Scotty. So many years apart...so many years of forever being together. Nothing shall ever separate us again.

My family really probably has no idea how much I deeply, truly love them. I like to keep my feelings deep inside, hidden away, surrounded by a big wall, protected. I am trying to change that and I am trying to let you all know how I feel about you and how much you mean to me. I never want any of you to doubt or to question my feelings. My family, every single one, is so important to me. I would be no one without them. They are such a part of me and, hopefully, I am a part of them. I love you. I love you.

Thankful? Very. Happy? I will get back to you on that one, but I am working on it.

XOXO

Plans, Fall, and Separation

Having a little bit better today, so I thought I would just wipe off yesterday from the books! Don't you wish you could do that? Decide that something or someone just did not fit into your day, so you just wipe it/them out! Oh my gosh...what a wonderful life I would have! I guess you need a bit of bad in your life so you know when you have the good! You need a bit of sorrow so you can have joy. You need a bit of sadness so you can have happiness. A little yin with your yang!

I like to plan things. Not necessary down on paper to a "T", but I certainly like to know what I am doing, with who I am doing it with, for how long I will be doing it. Sometimes I plan things a few hours before, sometimes a few weeks, perhaps even a few months ahead of time. I know that sometimes different things will come up to spoil my plans. I hate it when that happens. Especially if it was something was looking forward to! I know...I am an adult. I understand that things get in the way, things happen. I get it. I still don't like it.

Fall has finally hit Nor Cal. I claim to not have a favorite anything. I hate when people ask my favorite color or book or song or whatever. I just really don't have favorites (excluding my favorite husband, favorite son, and favorite daughter!!). I never have. I remember as a kid people would also say that this was their favorite color or that was their favorite time of day...whatever. I just don't have favorites. I am not sure why...I think maybe because I cannot hurt all of the others! Having said that... Fall is my favorite time of year!!! LOL (until winter...then there is fabulous spring...then, wonderful hot summer... see?!?!). Right now, however, it is definitely fall. The leaves on my backyard trees are starting to turn, not fall yet, but just turning colors. What a beautiful sight to look out and see reds and yellows and different shades of green. I like the way the sun feels as it falls onto my face from a different angle from the window as I work. I like how it is just getting a little chilly in the mornings so I need my sockies and how there is a little chill in the air as I go to bed so I can turn on my electric blanket past low! I like to wrap my blanket around me and get all tucked in. I like how you can still wear pretty sandals with jeans. Pull out the long sleeved shirts and the big, wooly sweaters. Yes...I like fall. I like the change.

My last thought of the day is separation...

"The opposite of love is not to hate but to separate. If love and hate have something in common it is because, in both cases, their energy is that of bringing and holding together—the lover with the loved, the one who hates with the hated. Both passions are tested by separation." ~ John Berger

I hate being separated from those I love. I just want to be able to reach out and touch you. To put my hand upon yours. To smile as I look at you. To look in your eyes. To wrap my arms around you. To tell you I love you. To be together. I hate separation. In a perfect world, we would never be separated again. I would like to think that my perfect world is just ahead, just around the bend; where separation ceases to exist. Walt Disney said, "If you can dream it, you can do it." I dream it.

XOXOXO

Daddy....

I have started a post today three times...and have failed.

Bottom line -- Today is the third-month anniversary of the passing of my father. I miss him. I wish he were still here. I love him dearly. I think about him all of the time. I weep for him.

October? Hello? Where are you???

I needed to write something before the whole month of October flew by! I was looking at the calender and just realized that October is almost gone. That means that 2010 is almost gone! Thank goodness. This has been a year. I am not going to say that it has been all bad, but I am so ready for 2011 to hurry around.

This year has been a life changing year for me. I realized the importance of letting people know how you feel because you never know when you have seen them for the last time. I realized that love is such a wonderful thing to have in your life. True, deep, unconditional love. I realized just really how rare that love is. When you find it, you must find a way to hold on to it.

I also just realized that in 8 weeks is Christmas Eve. I have bought one Christmas gift so far. One! And, no, it was not for me! It was actually for my mother. This is kind of an odd thing. My mother is usually the one that I leave almost until the end and then throw something together with my brother. My mother has everything she needs and if she needs something that she does not have, she goes out to buy it. She called me the other day and told me she just bought herself a new coffee pot. I said, "Oh my gosh...are you kidding me? Do you KNOW how close Christmas is?" To which she replied..."Oooops." This has been the case with my mother for years and years. Her tree is always overflowing with gifts, I mean really overflowing. She has more gifts under her tree then decorations on the tree! But, there are usually only one or two things for her. She likes it that way...or at least I think she does! She must, right? Otherwise, why would she go out 8 weeks before Christmas and buy her a new coffee pot?!?

Before Christmas, however, is Thanksgiving. This year I have a lot to be thankful for, if I can sort it out through all the sadness. I am very thankful for the things in my life, the people in my life. However, it is just not enough this year. There are going to be people missing ...

But even before Thanskgiving is Halloween. Not a huge favorite thing for me. It really never was. Well...there was that one year in high school. All I am going to say about that is toilet paper, eggs, spray paint... If you ask me about it, I am claiming amnesia!! The day after Halloween is All Saints Day. Catholics are really big on that day. I was named after St. Louis (Louise) and so my saint would be celebrated that day. I think...I never really understood the whole Catholic saint thing! My Auntie Lisa just sent me a text message and she wants to add my daddy on their All Saints remembrances at her church. I just cried and cried when I got the message. Trent came down to find out what was going on and I could not even tell him, I had to show him the message. I was touched, deeply.

On to some personal stuff -- Garrick has finally decided on a major!! YAY!! He is majoring in Biology with a minor in nursing and chemistry. He plans to go on to get a Master's and perhaps be a physician's assistant. I cannot think of anything that would make me more proud of him. He also has some exciting news, but I will share that at another time. He is going to try to come home for Thanksgiving but more than likely I will only see him around Christmas. I will take any and all time with my most favorite son. Natalie is just finishing up her last varsity year in volleyball. She has had an exciting year. She found that aggressiveness that she has lacked for a few years...should make catching in softball exciting! She is going to be 18 in a few weeks...geez...I cannot even believe it. She is going to start applying for colleges. Yikes! Where has the time gone? My niece, Audrey, went off and joined the Army. She left this week for basic training. What a remarkable young lady. My brother and sister (in-law) should be very, very proud of her. The youngest of the Johnson clan, JJ (see below for a funny, funny story of JJ), just turned 12. I find it rather amazing how all of my family is aging, except for me...holding forever at 25!

That is all for now.

XOXOXO