A letter to my father

Dear Daddy:

It is two weeks today, Daddy, that you left us. I still can hardly believe that you are gone. I have really had only two of the stages of grief: denial and anger. I keep going back and forth between those. I get so angry that you left me and my children. I am so angry that you wont know my grandchildren, your great-grandchildren. Then, I slip into this denial. If I don't ever really accept the fact that you are gone, then are you?

Yesterday, Daddy, was a rough day for me. It was Natalie's first day of school. Her senior year. I took her to school and had a flood of emotions. First I was thinking how in the world can my baby be graduating in a few months. Then I thought instantly of you, Daddy. I thought how sad it is going to be when my daughter walks to get her diploma and you are not there. You were just here for Garrick's graduation and I remember it like it was yesterday. It was cold and it was your first visit to Cali and you were mad because you wanted to see the California sun!! I made you go outside to smoke, and you froze! You reminded me after ever cigarette that Cali was too cold for you. You vowed never to come here again!! But, of course, you did. You came back twice after that.

Today, that denial was in full force. Mom apparently turned on your computer at home and I got a message saying, "George is available." My first thought was, "Yay!! Daddy is here." Then I remembered that you were not. Were not available for a chat or a phone call. You were just not available to me anymore. I chatted with mom for a bit; all the while wishing that every time I saw you log in, I would have just said hi to you.

There have been a lot of tears shed, Daddy. I know that you would look at me and tell me that all was fine, that I need not cry for you. Actually, you would probably call me "Baby Sister" and tell me that you had about enough of that from me! I cannot help it, Daddy. I am sad that you are gone. My heart is broken in a way that I can hardly comprehend, that I cannot even begin to describe. I am not sure I will ever really get over this hurt, this deep sadness that has encased my soul. A part of me is with you, Daddy. I have an empty place in my life now and it can never be filled again.

I do hope and pray that you are indeed in a better place. I hope you are still meeting all of those who have went before you. I hope you look down on me every once in a while and perhaps give my a hug. Or even a little bump of hips and you can tell me, "I kinda like ya, gal." I promise, Daddy, I will feel it and smile and tell you that I kinda like you, too!

I miss you, Daddy. I miss you so very much.

Forever your little girl,
Velvet