Too busy to type

Man, I have been really busy the last 5 or 6 weeks. My job has taken over my entire life and the extra time that I have, not much, my church calling is filling in. The last thing I want to do is sit and type some more!

I did want to write about some feelings I had a couple of weeks ago. It was fast Sunday last week in church and I was really inspired. One gentleman got up and beared his testimony and he had stated that his wife had passed away exactly a year ago that day. I remember his wife and I remember the battle with cancer and I remember her leaving 2 beautiful, young ladies behind. It was very sad when she passed away. He was talking about her and the battle with the cancer. He said that they had prayed and fasted and prayed and fasted for a recovery, but there was none. They did not, however, lose faith, in fact, their faith was overflowing. He said that finally about a week or so before she died, they fasted and prayed for "God's will to be done." It's not that they had given up, but they felt that it was just time. She died peacefully in her sleep. I found great solitude in this testimony. I have prayed and fasted for something for a while and I keep fasting and praying and hoping and wishing, but maybe I just need to pray for God's will to be done. I think I need to stop trying to force what I want and just accept what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. This is harder said than done, however, and I, unlike more faithful, more trusting people, have found that perhaps my faith is lacking a bit. I am afraid to put this into God's hands because the outcome may not, probably will not, be what I want or what I think I need. It's scary to think that I am not in charge, then I laugh at myself and realize I am NOT in charge. I think Heavenly Father does not want to disappoint me, but I truly feel His plans are not my plans. I think He has been waiting for me to have this epiphany.

Now, that I have made the conscious decision to not push my will, I feel....free. I feel okay with His decision. I feel like for the first time in years and years I can go ahead and put things behind me and look forward to my future. My son is graduating in less than 3 weeks and then going to Provo to school in August. My daughter is starting to drive and her life is taking her in great directions. There are a lot of positive things going on in my life and in the lives of those around me. I am not going to lie, these are hard changes -- knowing your children are growing up and moving on, it scares me. Thank goodness I have a great guy who I know will be there and will always pick me up and perhaps even carry me on those really hard days. I can do this!!